This blog is directed just at a certain someone, to save super long emails trying to clear stuff up. I promised not to mention this person's name, but they know it's about them.
To you:
We've had our ups and downs throughout the 5 years we've known each other (wow, can't believe it's been that long!) but yet you've chosen to keep coming back and be my friend. I don't understand why, perhaps never will, but that doesn't matter. I'm just thankful that you still believe in me (some) and keep trying to help me become a better person. Again, not sure why after how I've treated you, but that doesn't matter.
Now this is the part that is hard to deal with, but I need to bring it up.... I don't like being shut out. Let me clarify what I mean just so you know. I'm not asking to be involved in every aspect of your life. I'm not asking to know everything that goes on. I know you're not an open book, and I understand and accept that. However, you mentioned that you have a "shelf" that you choose to put stuff on that you want the world to know. However, you shut me out of at least 90% of that too, and it hurts. The one part of the shelf where you put the most stuff, you have shut me out COMPLETELY from. The other part of the shelf that I'm not shut out from, you put one or two things there a week.
Look sir (and I say that with respect). I know I have hurt you. I have hurt you so very bad, worse than I ever thought was possible to hurt someone. I don't think you understand though how it's hurt me. Sir, I never wanted to hurt you. NEVER EVER. I loved you. I don't know if you believe me, or if you believed me when I did love you. I know I was terrible at showing it, and you don't know how badly I want to change EVERYTHING. There's stuff I can't even tell you. There is absolutely no way on Earth to tell you how I feel about everything, what I'm thinking and feeling about the current situation. As far as I know you've never treated anyone as horribly as I've treated you, so you can't ever understand. I just wish I'd known then what I know now.
I wish I had known then that you are a man, not a little boy who plays games.
I wish I had known then that you weren't going to lie to me, cheat on me, neglect me, or abuse me.
I wish I had known then that you have been hurt, a lot. I can only think perhaps I'd have tried as hard then as I am now to treat you right.
I know you're not an open book, but maybe if I'd known then how bad you'd been hurt (not specifics, just having known) things would have been different. I don't fault you for that, though. That's just who you are, and regardless of whether or not someone has been hurt before, or chooses to disclose that information, is no reason or excuse not to treat them right. For this I have much regret.
Sir, I understand everything now. I really do. To the best of my knowledge I understand. I know I've said I'm sorry before but that was then this is now. Sir, my world CHANGED on November 10th, 2011. I still praise God for sparing my life that day. Often times I look at the pictures of my car, reflect on what happened, and think I should have DIED, and I am reminded no, I shouldn't have, because if I should have, I would have. God has me here for a reason, and it made me realize how fragile life is. Although I wasn't SERIOUSLY hurt in the car wreck, I was moderately injured to the point I was almost completely immobilized for about a week.
I want to be a better person, sir. I believe in myself, I know I can be a better person and that's why since that wreck I have been trying hard to do just that - be a better person.... yeah, you've heard it before. Yeah, I screwed up AGAIN after that date - twice, I guess... I don't have much recollection of that time period for a reason. I don't want to. November 2011 was the worst month of my life, ever.
Getting to the point...
I understand you're not an open book.
I respect that you're not an open book.
I'm not asking you to become an open book.
All I am asking is that you STOP SHUTTING ME OUT SO MUCH. Please. I know you're hurting, and I am so so sorry sir. I want so much to take it all back, more than you know. I know you don't trust me much - if at all... (or so I'm guessing). I know my apologies don't take away the hurt. I wish they did though.
We used to be such close friends, sir. I miss that so much. I really do. You have NO IDEA how hurt I am by my own actions. I killed our close friendship, and then stomped and stabbed it more.
I can't make you give me a chance, but I am asking this. Stop shutting me out so much. Please. You told me I can get to know you by the things you put out on your shelf... but again, minimum 90% of that you have shut me off completely from. I'm at my wit's end, sir. What am I supposed to do? The only way for me to get what I want, which is that close friendship back, the one where we hang out and talk and laugh and have fun, is to prove that I'm nice enough to hang out with, that I'm worth your time, that I'm not going to hurt you. The only way I can prove that is if you let me back in.
I'm not saying let me back in all the way, but right now I feel shut off. You take no interest in my life 99% of the time, and it hurts bad. You say you care, ok you care about me but what about what I'm into? My dreams? My accomplishments? What I'm doing with my life, what I'm TRYING to do with my life?
Ok so you know a lot of my likes, but do you know why I like those things? What I want to do regarding those things? Nope. You don't. You never ask. That's where my "you don't care" remarks come from.
I'm not saying devote every second of your time to me, please don't think that.
I'm just saying right now I feel stuck. I can't move forward, don't want to move backwards, but hate where our "friendship" is at.
I'd love answers to these questions, yet you won't ever even answer my questions! You ignore all my texts, emails, etc. When I do see you, you still shut me out and barely acknowledge me. How does this make us friends, sir? Please tell me I want to know. I am trying so hard to get on the same page, but I need you to work with me. I need to know what what you want me to do. Give it time, and hope it'll get better? Ok I can do that I guess... but time won't fix things if the choices don't get fixed.
Sir, you once gave me a great bit of advice, and remind me of it every time I screw up and lash out in fear.
Whenever I tell you my actions are bc of how I was treated by guys in the past, you tell me get over my past. Move on, let it go, don't focus on it. I told you it's not that easy not to let your past hurts define your current and future actions. Do you understand now what I mean? The past hurts I have caused you define your current and future actions towards me, and that hurts.
I'm NOT saying let down your guard, go back to how things were, etc. I'm saying please, try a little harder not to judge me on my past. I hurt enough from it. I wish I could show you and make you understand fully how I feel, but I can't, I can only ask you to trust me.
Would you please stop shutting me out so much? Work with me, help me understand how I can get to know you, what you need from me, etc. Give me a little bit of your trust, as you can see from Facebook I've worked very hard to behave and prove to you I can be nice and you can trust me not to hurt you.
I'll email you the questions again along with a link to this, and I ask that you read it asap, and talk to me so we can figure something out, b/c I need something. I can't keep going in circles trying hard to get to know you, each time being shut out. I can't keep doing it. If you want to keep me shut out, then it's going to be impossible to be true friends. So please, will you work with me, sir? It's been a rough 5 years, but I promise you now if you work with me these next 5 years will be fantastic. Forget the past, sir. This is NOW.
I know I hurt you, but I've apologized. Let go of the hurt please and stop hurting me with it by shutting me out. Telling me we're friends but taking almost no interest in my life, and shutting me out of your life as much as possible, that just is not my definition of friends. Please understand I mean this with all my heart. I never meant it to be this way. I don't know how I got so mean, but I am determined to never again go back there. I'm working very hard to understand you better and respect that, and I know that'll help a lot. It's very hard since I'm so outgoing, but I've made it one month, I know I can keep it up....
Sincerely,
Kat
