So if you're friends with me on Facebook, you know by now my now-ex cheated on me.... not physically, but emotionally. We were together off and on for 4.5 years.... We had our share of problems, and one of my big ones was trust. He cheated emotionally with me twice early on in the relationship and I stupidly didn't end things there. I don't know why, as I've been through this before... once a cheater, always a cheater... Well I stupidly forgave him and gave him another shot... twice... but I have struggled to trust him since then. Well, since June I just hadn't felt as connected to him as usual, and I didn't know why. I just felt, betrayed, lonely, unloved... He blamed me, saying I was pulling away from him and his attempts at affection...
I'm NOT a huge PDA person. I don't mind holding hands, but beyond that, I'm just not into it... He'd always want to grab me and hold me and kiss me in the store or something or whenever I was busy. If I was trying to find something in the store, he'd make a move. If I was trying to cook, he'd make a move... then wonder why I was "pulling away".... he had terrible timing.
Well recently I was at his house waiting for him to get ready. I decided to use his computer to log on and check my Facebook, as I'm a photographer and at the time was making plans with two clients.... so I open up his internet browser, and there, right in front of my face, is a chat conversation on his Facebook between him and another girl named Sarah. Funny, he'd never mentioned a Sarah to me as one of his friends.... I start reading....
I discover they've exchanged over 11,000 messages since mid-June. That's more than I've exchanged with my super social best friend!!!!! I keep on reading.... I go back to July.... she tells him no less than a dozen times a day she misses him and wants to meet him (they've never met).... he says he misses her, too. She says it's just not fair how two people who feel so strongly about each other just can't seem to meet up (she's states away) and he said he feels the same way.... o.O
My heart sinks. I gotta know more, though...
I read more....
She's mentioned moving here locally and moving in with him.... He's not opposed to the idea!!! She wants to share a bed with him to "save space" O.O wow.... really??? He just says "heh" to that....
He's turned to her after every fight he and I have had recently, telling her how mean I was and stuff. She says I'm a controlling bitch that's only going to hurt him and he needs to forget me and move on... He says he knows he does, but doesn't want to hurt me....
I've talked to both of them. They deny any wrong-doing. Said they're just friends, they didn't mean anything by what they've said...
um.... really?? o.O I don't go around telling my guy friends I miss them, want to meet up with them, wanna move in and share a bed with them!!!! T-R-A-M-P!!!!! That's what's running through my mind!!!!
Now he is blaming me for his cheating. Said I withdrew from him, and he and she just got talking as friends and she's a good listener, he never meant for me to find out, but there's nothing going on, and I'm just being insanely jealous.
Umm... this is coming from the same guy who is super jealous over my ex boyfriend that I barely speak to. He and I USED to be really close friends, and it made him super insanely jealous. He even accused me of cheating with my ex, despite us both saying nothing was going on, we're just really good friends. I NEVER told that guy that I missed him, wanted to see him, etc. I never bad mouthed my then boyfriend to him, and expected him to tell me to ditch the loser.... That's why I have a best friend lol....
This girl apparently gives him what I don't... lots of happiness. He's said he loves her, she's said the same... yet they both deny cheating.... right b/c it's perfectly acceptable to tell a friend of the opposite sex you love and miss them when you have a SO....
He does one of two things..... either tries to justify his actions (it didn't mean anything) or blames me (well you were acting really distant, or, you hurt me every time you said you wanted to break up), and then wants to tell me he loves me. No, he doesn't. I am just so upset and stressed.
He keeps saying he wants me to forgive him... for WHAT???? For something you CHOSE to do, deliberately, without thinking about consequences? For lying to me for four years? For shattering my heart and my trust?? While you continue to justify your wrong doing, and worse - blame me???
If it's my fault, why are you asking me to forgive you?? Idiot.
Dumb guys go and do crap like this yet whine about us not trusting them. WELL..... this is why!!!! We've been lied to, broken, hurt, and let down so many times, we have nothing TO trust in. We have NO PROOF that next time will be different. We hope and pray, but we struggle to actually trust and believe bc we know the routine all too well....
He wants to apologize, yet blame me... he's just sorry he got caught....
So I want to move on, but it's just not that easy. I go from being mad at him to being hurt =/
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Rants
So, first let me say this... this is my blog. I created it as a way to express my thoughts and feelings and relieve stress. You are welcome to comment, but be respectful.
I've not blogged in a long time.... so update on my life.
I was laid off in February from the job I had then (not posting the company name on here). I know I shouldn't be, but honestly, I'm still a bit bitter about it 4 months later. I was the hardest working employee in my department, and with several people having been laid off in the week or two leading up to me getting laid off, I had more work to do. I went from doing my job and picking up the slack of one lazy co-worker on Wednesdays, to doing the job of 3 others besides me (at that point I decided I was no longer going to pick up for the slack of the lazy one, if she didn't do what she was supposed to do, it wouldn't get done and it wouldn't be on me.). So the company calls me at 8am on my second of three off days, wakes me up, and tells me "hey, listen, we're letting you go. There's not enough work for you. Sorry." I wake up devastated, crying my eyes out going WTF?!?!?!?! NOT ENOUGH WORK??? YOU JERKS!!!!! I'M BUSTING MY @$$ OFF AT WORK 10 HOURS A DAY PRAYING I CAN GET EVERYTHING DONE THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE BY THE END OF THE WEEK AND YOU KNOW THIS AND YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME NOT ENOUGH WORK FOR ME?????
So yea. Still rather bitter about that.
In other news, the guy that was my best guy friend walked out of my life. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but you know my situation; how I was raised - with little/no encouragement to follow my dreams, etc.; what guys have put me through; how it affects me; all that I'm going through right now... I've never been a patient person, and all of the previous mentioned things just make me shorter on patience right now.
Since November, if not before then, he gave me almost no indication that he cared. When we saw each other and when we didn't were two different things. He was all sweet and polite when we saw each other, but the rest of the time ignored me, took no interest in my life (even less than he ever had....), etc. I would tell him what I was going through. He'd offer no sympathy. He wouldn't ask me how I was doing from time to time, what was new in my life, etc.... yet wanted me to care about what was going on in his life despite never telling me what was going on in his life....
So whatever. He needs to grow up and accept the fact I'm not perfect. I know I have areas I need to work on, and I'm doing the best I can, but my life is pretty messed up right now and it's hard to keep it all together and not fall apart, lose my temper, lose control of my emotions. I've tried repeatedly to make amends, give him space, and nothing's working. He wants me to believe that if I give him space, one day he'll wake up and start caring about me and we'll be great friends again, even though he's never cared that much about me. It was a fake friendship all along, it just took til now to discover that.
Then there's my most recent ex. I gave it my best shot. 3-4 years of my best shot. Nothing's changing, the relationship was stuck, not moving forward. I'm an active person, and he's well, far from it. He, like the boyfriend before him, is more content to stay inside, sit on the couch, watch a movie, maybe play a game. I have nothing against a movie or game now and then.... great for rainy days, cold days, nights, things like that.... but I am an active person. I like to get out and go have fun. Go for walks with or without the dog, go to a park and play on the playground, swing on swings, wear myself out so I come home and sleep really well. He decided he's going to start complaining about me being active and tell me it's a bad thing and I need to meet him halfway. Ummmm what??? I have been.... 1/3 of the time we hang out, it's going to church or the store and back, and just having a chat in the car. 1/3 of the time we hang out, we stay in and watch tv, a movie, or play a board game or Wii. The other 1/3 of the time we hang out, I want to go out, enjoy the sun and planet God created, and have FUN. It's SUMMER. Why stay inside??
On top of that, he doesn't have a car or a job. Now... those things don't bother me, as I don't have a car or job either... but.... he's making no effort to look for a job. He's playing some Bubble adventure game and Farmville all day on Facebook. His brother is paying for him to have internet through the end of September, gave him copies of coding languages to learn to increase his skills and get a job. He's using the internet that his brother is paying for to play games on Facebook all day!!!! I've told him over and over to get his priorities straight, and he just complains. Meanwhile it's MY money that's being used to run him to the store and to his parents and stuff..... (oh, and he complained about me asking for gas money when he did have money....)
Also, I spent about $125 on his birthday.... $100 for a Kings Island gold pass, $20 for lunch at Steak N Shake, and $5 on a card and candy bar for him.... He complains b/c he never got the birthday dinner I promised him. I said I was going to take him to Quaker Steak and Lube for birthday dinner, but being unemployed, that ended up not working out b/c of the cost and gas to get there.... I spent $125 on him, including a yummy lunch, and he had the audacity to complain that I never did drop another $50-60 on "birthday dinner." REALLY?!?!?!?! Wow.... Meanwhile he has no money and wouldn't be able to afford to get me anything for my birthday, let alone spend $125....
So I'm single again, and gonna just take my time looking. I need someone who has his priorities straight, his life together, and can keep up with me. I'm high energy, and I need a high energy man.
So that's what's new in my life.... there's a lot more depressing stuff going on, too, but not gonna get into that... so just keep me in your prayers as I continue on this insane roller coaster called LIFE.
♥, Kat
I've not blogged in a long time.... so update on my life.
I was laid off in February from the job I had then (not posting the company name on here). I know I shouldn't be, but honestly, I'm still a bit bitter about it 4 months later. I was the hardest working employee in my department, and with several people having been laid off in the week or two leading up to me getting laid off, I had more work to do. I went from doing my job and picking up the slack of one lazy co-worker on Wednesdays, to doing the job of 3 others besides me (at that point I decided I was no longer going to pick up for the slack of the lazy one, if she didn't do what she was supposed to do, it wouldn't get done and it wouldn't be on me.). So the company calls me at 8am on my second of three off days, wakes me up, and tells me "hey, listen, we're letting you go. There's not enough work for you. Sorry." I wake up devastated, crying my eyes out going WTF?!?!?!?! NOT ENOUGH WORK??? YOU JERKS!!!!! I'M BUSTING MY @$$ OFF AT WORK 10 HOURS A DAY PRAYING I CAN GET EVERYTHING DONE THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE BY THE END OF THE WEEK AND YOU KNOW THIS AND YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME NOT ENOUGH WORK FOR ME?????
So yea. Still rather bitter about that.
In other news, the guy that was my best guy friend walked out of my life. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but you know my situation; how I was raised - with little/no encouragement to follow my dreams, etc.; what guys have put me through; how it affects me; all that I'm going through right now... I've never been a patient person, and all of the previous mentioned things just make me shorter on patience right now.
Since November, if not before then, he gave me almost no indication that he cared. When we saw each other and when we didn't were two different things. He was all sweet and polite when we saw each other, but the rest of the time ignored me, took no interest in my life (even less than he ever had....), etc. I would tell him what I was going through. He'd offer no sympathy. He wouldn't ask me how I was doing from time to time, what was new in my life, etc.... yet wanted me to care about what was going on in his life despite never telling me what was going on in his life....
So whatever. He needs to grow up and accept the fact I'm not perfect. I know I have areas I need to work on, and I'm doing the best I can, but my life is pretty messed up right now and it's hard to keep it all together and not fall apart, lose my temper, lose control of my emotions. I've tried repeatedly to make amends, give him space, and nothing's working. He wants me to believe that if I give him space, one day he'll wake up and start caring about me and we'll be great friends again, even though he's never cared that much about me. It was a fake friendship all along, it just took til now to discover that.
Then there's my most recent ex. I gave it my best shot. 3-4 years of my best shot. Nothing's changing, the relationship was stuck, not moving forward. I'm an active person, and he's well, far from it. He, like the boyfriend before him, is more content to stay inside, sit on the couch, watch a movie, maybe play a game. I have nothing against a movie or game now and then.... great for rainy days, cold days, nights, things like that.... but I am an active person. I like to get out and go have fun. Go for walks with or without the dog, go to a park and play on the playground, swing on swings, wear myself out so I come home and sleep really well. He decided he's going to start complaining about me being active and tell me it's a bad thing and I need to meet him halfway. Ummmm what??? I have been.... 1/3 of the time we hang out, it's going to church or the store and back, and just having a chat in the car. 1/3 of the time we hang out, we stay in and watch tv, a movie, or play a board game or Wii. The other 1/3 of the time we hang out, I want to go out, enjoy the sun and planet God created, and have FUN. It's SUMMER. Why stay inside??
On top of that, he doesn't have a car or a job. Now... those things don't bother me, as I don't have a car or job either... but.... he's making no effort to look for a job. He's playing some Bubble adventure game and Farmville all day on Facebook. His brother is paying for him to have internet through the end of September, gave him copies of coding languages to learn to increase his skills and get a job. He's using the internet that his brother is paying for to play games on Facebook all day!!!! I've told him over and over to get his priorities straight, and he just complains. Meanwhile it's MY money that's being used to run him to the store and to his parents and stuff..... (oh, and he complained about me asking for gas money when he did have money....)
Also, I spent about $125 on his birthday.... $100 for a Kings Island gold pass, $20 for lunch at Steak N Shake, and $5 on a card and candy bar for him.... He complains b/c he never got the birthday dinner I promised him. I said I was going to take him to Quaker Steak and Lube for birthday dinner, but being unemployed, that ended up not working out b/c of the cost and gas to get there.... I spent $125 on him, including a yummy lunch, and he had the audacity to complain that I never did drop another $50-60 on "birthday dinner." REALLY?!?!?!?! Wow.... Meanwhile he has no money and wouldn't be able to afford to get me anything for my birthday, let alone spend $125....
So I'm single again, and gonna just take my time looking. I need someone who has his priorities straight, his life together, and can keep up with me. I'm high energy, and I need a high energy man.
So that's what's new in my life.... there's a lot more depressing stuff going on, too, but not gonna get into that... so just keep me in your prayers as I continue on this insane roller coaster called LIFE.
♥, Kat
Friday, March 2, 2012
to a certain someone
This blog is directed just at a certain someone, to save super long emails trying to clear stuff up. I promised not to mention this person's name, but they know it's about them.
To you:
We've had our ups and downs throughout the 5 years we've known each other (wow, can't believe it's been that long!) but yet you've chosen to keep coming back and be my friend. I don't understand why, perhaps never will, but that doesn't matter. I'm just thankful that you still believe in me (some) and keep trying to help me become a better person. Again, not sure why after how I've treated you, but that doesn't matter.
Now this is the part that is hard to deal with, but I need to bring it up.... I don't like being shut out. Let me clarify what I mean just so you know. I'm not asking to be involved in every aspect of your life. I'm not asking to know everything that goes on. I know you're not an open book, and I understand and accept that. However, you mentioned that you have a "shelf" that you choose to put stuff on that you want the world to know. However, you shut me out of at least 90% of that too, and it hurts. The one part of the shelf where you put the most stuff, you have shut me out COMPLETELY from. The other part of the shelf that I'm not shut out from, you put one or two things there a week.
Look sir (and I say that with respect). I know I have hurt you. I have hurt you so very bad, worse than I ever thought was possible to hurt someone. I don't think you understand though how it's hurt me. Sir, I never wanted to hurt you. NEVER EVER. I loved you. I don't know if you believe me, or if you believed me when I did love you. I know I was terrible at showing it, and you don't know how badly I want to change EVERYTHING. There's stuff I can't even tell you. There is absolutely no way on Earth to tell you how I feel about everything, what I'm thinking and feeling about the current situation. As far as I know you've never treated anyone as horribly as I've treated you, so you can't ever understand. I just wish I'd known then what I know now.
I wish I had known then that you are a man, not a little boy who plays games.
I wish I had known then that you weren't going to lie to me, cheat on me, neglect me, or abuse me.
I wish I had known then that you have been hurt, a lot. I can only think perhaps I'd have tried as hard then as I am now to treat you right.
I know you're not an open book, but maybe if I'd known then how bad you'd been hurt (not specifics, just having known) things would have been different. I don't fault you for that, though. That's just who you are, and regardless of whether or not someone has been hurt before, or chooses to disclose that information, is no reason or excuse not to treat them right. For this I have much regret.
Sir, I understand everything now. I really do. To the best of my knowledge I understand. I know I've said I'm sorry before but that was then this is now. Sir, my world CHANGED on November 10th, 2011. I still praise God for sparing my life that day. Often times I look at the pictures of my car, reflect on what happened, and think I should have DIED, and I am reminded no, I shouldn't have, because if I should have, I would have. God has me here for a reason, and it made me realize how fragile life is. Although I wasn't SERIOUSLY hurt in the car wreck, I was moderately injured to the point I was almost completely immobilized for about a week.
I want to be a better person, sir. I believe in myself, I know I can be a better person and that's why since that wreck I have been trying hard to do just that - be a better person.... yeah, you've heard it before. Yeah, I screwed up AGAIN after that date - twice, I guess... I don't have much recollection of that time period for a reason. I don't want to. November 2011 was the worst month of my life, ever.
Getting to the point...
I understand you're not an open book.
I respect that you're not an open book.
I'm not asking you to become an open book.
All I am asking is that you STOP SHUTTING ME OUT SO MUCH. Please. I know you're hurting, and I am so so sorry sir. I want so much to take it all back, more than you know. I know you don't trust me much - if at all... (or so I'm guessing). I know my apologies don't take away the hurt. I wish they did though.
We used to be such close friends, sir. I miss that so much. I really do. You have NO IDEA how hurt I am by my own actions. I killed our close friendship, and then stomped and stabbed it more.
I can't make you give me a chance, but I am asking this. Stop shutting me out so much. Please. You told me I can get to know you by the things you put out on your shelf... but again, minimum 90% of that you have shut me off completely from. I'm at my wit's end, sir. What am I supposed to do? The only way for me to get what I want, which is that close friendship back, the one where we hang out and talk and laugh and have fun, is to prove that I'm nice enough to hang out with, that I'm worth your time, that I'm not going to hurt you. The only way I can prove that is if you let me back in.
I'm not saying let me back in all the way, but right now I feel shut off. You take no interest in my life 99% of the time, and it hurts bad. You say you care, ok you care about me but what about what I'm into? My dreams? My accomplishments? What I'm doing with my life, what I'm TRYING to do with my life?
Ok so you know a lot of my likes, but do you know why I like those things? What I want to do regarding those things? Nope. You don't. You never ask. That's where my "you don't care" remarks come from.
I'm not saying devote every second of your time to me, please don't think that.
I'm just saying right now I feel stuck. I can't move forward, don't want to move backwards, but hate where our "friendship" is at.
I'd love answers to these questions, yet you won't ever even answer my questions! You ignore all my texts, emails, etc. When I do see you, you still shut me out and barely acknowledge me. How does this make us friends, sir? Please tell me I want to know. I am trying so hard to get on the same page, but I need you to work with me. I need to know what what you want me to do. Give it time, and hope it'll get better? Ok I can do that I guess... but time won't fix things if the choices don't get fixed.
Sir, you once gave me a great bit of advice, and remind me of it every time I screw up and lash out in fear.
Whenever I tell you my actions are bc of how I was treated by guys in the past, you tell me get over my past. Move on, let it go, don't focus on it. I told you it's not that easy not to let your past hurts define your current and future actions. Do you understand now what I mean? The past hurts I have caused you define your current and future actions towards me, and that hurts.
I'm NOT saying let down your guard, go back to how things were, etc. I'm saying please, try a little harder not to judge me on my past. I hurt enough from it. I wish I could show you and make you understand fully how I feel, but I can't, I can only ask you to trust me.
Would you please stop shutting me out so much? Work with me, help me understand how I can get to know you, what you need from me, etc. Give me a little bit of your trust, as you can see from Facebook I've worked very hard to behave and prove to you I can be nice and you can trust me not to hurt you.
I'll email you the questions again along with a link to this, and I ask that you read it asap, and talk to me so we can figure something out, b/c I need something. I can't keep going in circles trying hard to get to know you, each time being shut out. I can't keep doing it. If you want to keep me shut out, then it's going to be impossible to be true friends. So please, will you work with me, sir? It's been a rough 5 years, but I promise you now if you work with me these next 5 years will be fantastic. Forget the past, sir. This is NOW.
I know I hurt you, but I've apologized. Let go of the hurt please and stop hurting me with it by shutting me out. Telling me we're friends but taking almost no interest in my life, and shutting me out of your life as much as possible, that just is not my definition of friends. Please understand I mean this with all my heart. I never meant it to be this way. I don't know how I got so mean, but I am determined to never again go back there. I'm working very hard to understand you better and respect that, and I know that'll help a lot. It's very hard since I'm so outgoing, but I've made it one month, I know I can keep it up....
Sincerely,
Kat
To you:
We've had our ups and downs throughout the 5 years we've known each other (wow, can't believe it's been that long!) but yet you've chosen to keep coming back and be my friend. I don't understand why, perhaps never will, but that doesn't matter. I'm just thankful that you still believe in me (some) and keep trying to help me become a better person. Again, not sure why after how I've treated you, but that doesn't matter.
Now this is the part that is hard to deal with, but I need to bring it up.... I don't like being shut out. Let me clarify what I mean just so you know. I'm not asking to be involved in every aspect of your life. I'm not asking to know everything that goes on. I know you're not an open book, and I understand and accept that. However, you mentioned that you have a "shelf" that you choose to put stuff on that you want the world to know. However, you shut me out of at least 90% of that too, and it hurts. The one part of the shelf where you put the most stuff, you have shut me out COMPLETELY from. The other part of the shelf that I'm not shut out from, you put one or two things there a week.
Look sir (and I say that with respect). I know I have hurt you. I have hurt you so very bad, worse than I ever thought was possible to hurt someone. I don't think you understand though how it's hurt me. Sir, I never wanted to hurt you. NEVER EVER. I loved you. I don't know if you believe me, or if you believed me when I did love you. I know I was terrible at showing it, and you don't know how badly I want to change EVERYTHING. There's stuff I can't even tell you. There is absolutely no way on Earth to tell you how I feel about everything, what I'm thinking and feeling about the current situation. As far as I know you've never treated anyone as horribly as I've treated you, so you can't ever understand. I just wish I'd known then what I know now.
I wish I had known then that you are a man, not a little boy who plays games.
I wish I had known then that you weren't going to lie to me, cheat on me, neglect me, or abuse me.
I wish I had known then that you have been hurt, a lot. I can only think perhaps I'd have tried as hard then as I am now to treat you right.
I know you're not an open book, but maybe if I'd known then how bad you'd been hurt (not specifics, just having known) things would have been different. I don't fault you for that, though. That's just who you are, and regardless of whether or not someone has been hurt before, or chooses to disclose that information, is no reason or excuse not to treat them right. For this I have much regret.
Sir, I understand everything now. I really do. To the best of my knowledge I understand. I know I've said I'm sorry before but that was then this is now. Sir, my world CHANGED on November 10th, 2011. I still praise God for sparing my life that day. Often times I look at the pictures of my car, reflect on what happened, and think I should have DIED, and I am reminded no, I shouldn't have, because if I should have, I would have. God has me here for a reason, and it made me realize how fragile life is. Although I wasn't SERIOUSLY hurt in the car wreck, I was moderately injured to the point I was almost completely immobilized for about a week.
I want to be a better person, sir. I believe in myself, I know I can be a better person and that's why since that wreck I have been trying hard to do just that - be a better person.... yeah, you've heard it before. Yeah, I screwed up AGAIN after that date - twice, I guess... I don't have much recollection of that time period for a reason. I don't want to. November 2011 was the worst month of my life, ever.
Getting to the point...
I understand you're not an open book.
I respect that you're not an open book.
I'm not asking you to become an open book.
All I am asking is that you STOP SHUTTING ME OUT SO MUCH. Please. I know you're hurting, and I am so so sorry sir. I want so much to take it all back, more than you know. I know you don't trust me much - if at all... (or so I'm guessing). I know my apologies don't take away the hurt. I wish they did though.
We used to be such close friends, sir. I miss that so much. I really do. You have NO IDEA how hurt I am by my own actions. I killed our close friendship, and then stomped and stabbed it more.
I can't make you give me a chance, but I am asking this. Stop shutting me out so much. Please. You told me I can get to know you by the things you put out on your shelf... but again, minimum 90% of that you have shut me off completely from. I'm at my wit's end, sir. What am I supposed to do? The only way for me to get what I want, which is that close friendship back, the one where we hang out and talk and laugh and have fun, is to prove that I'm nice enough to hang out with, that I'm worth your time, that I'm not going to hurt you. The only way I can prove that is if you let me back in.
I'm not saying let me back in all the way, but right now I feel shut off. You take no interest in my life 99% of the time, and it hurts bad. You say you care, ok you care about me but what about what I'm into? My dreams? My accomplishments? What I'm doing with my life, what I'm TRYING to do with my life?
Ok so you know a lot of my likes, but do you know why I like those things? What I want to do regarding those things? Nope. You don't. You never ask. That's where my "you don't care" remarks come from.
I'm not saying devote every second of your time to me, please don't think that.
I'm just saying right now I feel stuck. I can't move forward, don't want to move backwards, but hate where our "friendship" is at.
I'd love answers to these questions, yet you won't ever even answer my questions! You ignore all my texts, emails, etc. When I do see you, you still shut me out and barely acknowledge me. How does this make us friends, sir? Please tell me I want to know. I am trying so hard to get on the same page, but I need you to work with me. I need to know what what you want me to do. Give it time, and hope it'll get better? Ok I can do that I guess... but time won't fix things if the choices don't get fixed.
Sir, you once gave me a great bit of advice, and remind me of it every time I screw up and lash out in fear.
Whenever I tell you my actions are bc of how I was treated by guys in the past, you tell me get over my past. Move on, let it go, don't focus on it. I told you it's not that easy not to let your past hurts define your current and future actions. Do you understand now what I mean? The past hurts I have caused you define your current and future actions towards me, and that hurts.
I'm NOT saying let down your guard, go back to how things were, etc. I'm saying please, try a little harder not to judge me on my past. I hurt enough from it. I wish I could show you and make you understand fully how I feel, but I can't, I can only ask you to trust me.
Would you please stop shutting me out so much? Work with me, help me understand how I can get to know you, what you need from me, etc. Give me a little bit of your trust, as you can see from Facebook I've worked very hard to behave and prove to you I can be nice and you can trust me not to hurt you.
I'll email you the questions again along with a link to this, and I ask that you read it asap, and talk to me so we can figure something out, b/c I need something. I can't keep going in circles trying hard to get to know you, each time being shut out. I can't keep doing it. If you want to keep me shut out, then it's going to be impossible to be true friends. So please, will you work with me, sir? It's been a rough 5 years, but I promise you now if you work with me these next 5 years will be fantastic. Forget the past, sir. This is NOW.
I know I hurt you, but I've apologized. Let go of the hurt please and stop hurting me with it by shutting me out. Telling me we're friends but taking almost no interest in my life, and shutting me out of your life as much as possible, that just is not my definition of friends. Please understand I mean this with all my heart. I never meant it to be this way. I don't know how I got so mean, but I am determined to never again go back there. I'm working very hard to understand you better and respect that, and I know that'll help a lot. It's very hard since I'm so outgoing, but I've made it one month, I know I can keep it up....
Sincerely,
Kat
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