Who am I, really?

To better understand where I'm at, it's recommended you read my last blog...

In the process of bettering myself, it takes getting to know myself... really know myself, how I view myself, who I think I am personality wise, why I am how I am, what I want to change, and how I need to go about doing it...

I've suspected for awhile now I'm bi-polar. I've not been officially diagnosed by my doctor yet, as the doctor I saw on Tuesday was not my regular doctor, but I don't see him til next month, and didn't want to wait that long to get the help I know I need.

The reasons I think I'm bi-polar are simple... I feel out of control of my life, I do stupid stuff and mean stuff for no explainable reason, and most times without any thought. It just happens... I feel so much like I have an inner devil or evil twin, and I scare myself honestly. I snap over the slightest things and don't know why. I don't like being mean, I really don't. I strive to be a nice person but most the times I feel like I'm just not. It's gotten so much worse over time that now I have at least one person, M, who is currently not speaking to me (and may never speak to me again) who views me as a mean person... a psycho bitch. He'd never call me that b/c he's too nice, but I know that's pretty much how he views me. A crazy mean person who keeps hurting him and snaps over the dumbest stuff.

After talking to the doctor and doing some research, both of us have come to the conclusion it's very likely I have bi-polar manic disorder. For time's sake I'm not going to get into what that means, but summed up it means inexplicable drastic frequent mood changes... you know, going from being very happy to very mean almost instantly, and feeling out of control of matters.

There's more to it than that... look it up on WebMD or I'll post about it after work...

I'm on a sample of medicine that is supposed to calm me down and help balance out my moods more. I took it once, it seemed to help, but kinda gave me a headache so not sure how I feel about that.

All I know is I want to be a better person. I want to be the nice person I know I can be sometimes.

So with that I'm going to eat lunch... just wanted to mention what's going on, and I'll probably post more later. I really need prayers though, b/c if I do have bi-polar manic disorder, I need to find a medicine that won't give me weird side effects, and I have to somehow tell my parents about it... and that's going to be hard.

More later.