so I posted a few blog entries ago about problems I was having with M. I'm pretty sure in my last post I mentioned that he and I really weren't talking. Well I saw him on Tuesday for the first time in about a month, and for the first time since our huge fight that led us both very hurt, angry, and not speaking to each other.... I was very nervous as far as how it was gonna go. All I wanted is for us to be on good terms and not feel like we hated each other or had to be fake friendly to each other. I wasn't going to say anything to him right away, since I wasn't sure if he wanted to speak to me or anything, but when he saw me he greeted me with a friendly hey! and it didn't feel fake.
I still have a lot of questions about what happened, why he said and did what he did that I want answers to but I know better than to bring it up with him... it'll just cause more problems. At this point, after general discussion about the situation, we have written it off as just we were both very stressed, each dealing with a lot of crap, and more or less took it out on each other. He was glad that I wanted to be on friendly terms, and not feel like we hated each other or had to be fake friendly. I told him I don't like being fake friendly, and he said that's a good thing, nor did he.
At the end of the night I asked if we were cool now, and he said yes. Neither of us have apologized for our wrongdoings and honestly I don't see a point to it, as long as we're forgiving the other and dropping the situation. I did apologize for saying I hated him, and that I was really angry at the moment and at that moment did hate him...
So I guess we're starting our friendship over and I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, we've been friends for so long I can't easily just give up on him b/c I do care a lot about him. He's been there for me through some of my toughest times, and overall proven he cares about me (though still not sure how much, to what extent, but I suppose some is better than none...) but on the other hand, what he said about me still hurts and really broke my trust in him. I feel like I've just put myself through so much of his verbal abuse and belittling, that on Tuesday I found myself still expecting more of the same when I told him I cried about my car (I was expecting to be called overly emotional or a wuss or something). After what he said about me I'm left wondering how much of his supposed friendly teasing me really was just teasing, vs what he actually thinks of me.
I used to think he cared about me and thought I was smart, but now honestly I'm not so sure. What's worse is yeah I could ask him, but if he answers me (which he usually doesn't) I don't know if I could believe his answer....
So, I don't know if I'm making a mistake or not, but I still care about him, and to me that's motivation to give things another chance, and just trust God on the situation.
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