I've not blogged in awhile b/c I've had just so much going on. I don't even really remember what I mentioned in my last blog, but in case I didn't mention it, M and I had a huge falling out and are right now not really friends or talking. It sucks so bad b/c stupidly I still care about him. I say stupidly b/c lately he hasn't exactly treated me very nice, and what led to our falling out was he said something very very hurtful about me, and said it on Facebook. he didn't mention my name but I knew it was about me as did several of his friends who had seen the comment I made that led to him saying the very hurtful thing about me. I don't know why he did it, and I forgive him but it still hurts. I thought I knew him so well, and then he goes and says that about me. I thought he cared, then he said that, and now I'm left wondering what does he really think about me?? I'd like to know, and perhaps when he's ready to talk to me he can tell me the truth. I thought he cared and always thought he believed in me and thought I was smart but lately as I've reflected on my friendship with him I've noticed that every fight is the same... I'm the one to blame (so he says), he's innocent (so he says) and I'm the one with all the problems that need to be fixed (so he says). I look at the fights and go sure I screwed up and made some mistakes and need improvement in some areas of my life and need to fix some things, but so does he... I just wish he'd admit it. I think he knows, but perhaps thinks he'll be less of a man or human if he admits that. No... you're human, we mess up, it's ok, just learn from your mistakes... So yeah, I miss him, and it sucks b/c I don't know if I even should miss him. I suppose only time will tell.
The second week of November was so hard on me. He and I had that fight on the 8th, and then two days later I got in a terrible car wreck, and totaled my car... I wanted so bad to just call him and tell him what happened and ask him to please pray for me, b/c he's always been there for me when I've had a crappy time in life, to calm me down, pray for me, and help me focus on the positive and just be there for me.... and suddenly, when I needed him to be there for me, needed my comfort friend, he wasn't there, so that made things hard.
I was on my way to work, and at the intersection of the street I need to turn left onto to get to work, I was in the left turn lane, and the light turned yellow. I thought in my head I could make it. I looked ahead and honestly I saw no one close to me. I didn't see anyone and thought anyone that would be coming would be stopping for the light, b/c it'd be red by the time they got to the intersection. I start to turn, and then I see a black SUV right next to my car. Too close to my car. It was too late to correct my car's position, it was too late for him to have time to move. I was struck almost head on by a black Dodge Durango that was going somewhere between 40 and 45mph. I was going about 5mph. So impact was between 45 and 50mph. I remember nothing after that. I was knocked unconscious, not sure for how long. Not very long, a few minutes though. I have no idea how my body was impacted in the collision. I don't remember any of that. I came to, in a big fog, knowing I'd been in a wreck, knowing I'd been hit hard. I was so out of it, it took me a few minutes to realize I was injured and in a moderate amount of pain, and that my airbag went off. I just remember repeatedly checking my left side view mirror, looking back to see if the other car stopped. I saw him stopped. I checked again. I did this three or four times, trying to make sure I wasn't seeing things, trying to make sure the other vehicle stopped. I don't know why I did that at all. My guess is that my mind knew I was injured and needed help. I realized then my airbag went off, and started checking to make sure I wasn't bleeding, as my friend's brother was in a very similar wreck about a year ago and the airbag cut up his face quite a bit. It didn't fully register in my head that the other driver had stopped until he came over to my car to check on me, and b/c it hadn't registered that they had stopped, it scared me when I saw him. I didn't realize I was injured at the time. I was hurting but b/c I was able to walk I thought I was uninjured. I even told the police so when they arrived, despite complaining of shoulder, neck and back pain.
I had planned to go to the ER after the scene was cleaned up, I had planned to have my dad take me, as my car was totaled so I wasn't going to drive anywhere. Due to my complaints of pain in my neck and back they talked me into having the paramedics come out and check me out and take me to the ER. I was so out of it I agreed. I pray I never go through that again. They weren't very nice as I recall, they were kind of harsh sounding. I was placed in a neck brace, strapped to the back board, put on the stretcher in the ambulance and taken away. I was in so much pain, my back hurt so bad being on that board and I was so tired and wanted to sleep but I couldn't. I had to stay awake so they knew I was conscious and ok. A few hours later and about a dozen x-rays later I was sent home with the diagnosis of no broken bones (praise God!) but severe whiplash and bruising. It's amazing how much pain the body can endure. I was in a lot of pain the next several days, heck, for about a week.... Especially my nose and forehead from hitting the airbag. Almost 3 weeks later I'm still recovering from my injuries. My nose and forehead are ok now but my back and neck still hurt, so I'm going to the chiropractor 2x a week to be treated for those injuries. Work was very hard the week after my wreck, as I was so sore and could hardly move.
So now begins the stressful and emotional task of getting a new car. It's very hard as my credit is bad, so no one wants to put me in a car without either a co-signer on the loan or minimum $1500 down. I have a friend though whose husband works at a local Chevy dealership though, and his friend at the Chevy dealership around the corner from where he works pulled some strings for me and is doing me a huge favor and said if I can come up with $500 I can get a car. I really hope this is true! So dad and I are going to go out there probably tomorrow night to look at our options, but I don't get paid til Friday so I won't be able to get a car until Friday night he said. It sucks b/c I need to return my rental car today.
That's about it, that's an update on my life... My stress level has been through the roof, I can't even imagine how high my blood pressure must be... good thing I'm not prone to blood pressure problems and therefore don't monitor it... oh and my slacker co-workers on Friday made my life hell. I really dislike them. I'm not playing their games this week, though. I have enough work of my own to do without having to do theirs as well like I have been the whole time I've worked here... so starting this week, I am doing ONLY the work I have to do, which is plenty to keep me busy all week, and not any of theirs. It's not fair at all. I will do my work and my work only, not theirs, and if they don't do what they are supposed to be doing, then it just won't get done, and if the managers get ticked off about stuff not being done (the stuff they're supposed to do) then it's going to be on my slacker co-workers, not me. It's too stressful and strenuous to take on all their work in addition to mine, while they just stand around being lazy running their darn mouths. They need to grow up lol.
Well, that's it for now. I'd appreciate the prayers of those who read this, as I'm struggling in my faith right now, struggling to understand why God allowed this to happen to me, and how on earth this is best for me... It's very hard, I don't understand at all, but still trying to trust Him.
~ Kat
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