He finally unblocked me on Facebook. He was talking to me some, didn't seem to hate me. Yet the signs were obvious that he really had no desire to have anything to do with me, it seems he wants to be something I don't want to be. Distant Facebook friends.... you know, those friends you have on Facebook but never really talk to...
I am just so upset and confused. Is it me or is it him?? I have tried for more than 4.5 years to be a good friend to him. I failed miserably at being his girlfriend, yet we cared enough about each other 4 years ago to try and be friends, something I'd never done with an ex boyfriend... I don't know how to be friends with an ex boyfriend (or really guys period) and he's just kinda making it more clear that I fail at that too.
I've tried so many things I can think of. Being nice to him, doing him favors b/c I know he likes it when ppl do him nice favors, take an interest in superhero stuff (some of which is fascinating, some of which is so over my head), I don't know. I just don't know anymore. NOTHING has worked.
I'm realizing now what complete opposites we are, and how we have pretty much no basis for a friendship, and the more I try to connect to his world and take interest in things he likes (despite him taking NO INTEREST AT ALL in things I like) the more he acts like he wants nothing to do with me.
Um I know I hurt you a few weeks ago, but I apologized and said I wanted to make things right. When you unblocked me I assumed you were willing to work with me and make things right, only to be snapped at today for being impatient when honestly I don't know what the heck I did!!! The impatient comment came after I sent him a message asking him to explain his side for Ohio Issue 2 (ie why he is voting the way he is). Well right about the same time I sent him the message, one of his friends commented on his status asking him the same thing - please explain yourself. I think the comment was posted a little before I sent the message, but well after I started typing the message. When I type messages on Facebook, I ignore notifications b/c it's easier just to check them later than highlight one, right click, open in new tab, read, and try to refocus on what I was saying in the message.
Well because of this, he responds with "first, you have to realize I'm at work and can't respond to everything lickety split. second, the link I posted didn't say anything about anyone lying" ... ok I checked replies to his status, no link. I'm thinking now he meant the one he posted last night. Ok that's completely one sided, as is the similar website for the other side of the issue. It simply says "you should vote this way because..." it's not a neutral website that gives facts on both sides of the issue and encourages you to vote on what you now know. It says here's both sides, makes a compelling argument for their side, and says vote yes! That's not what I'm looking for.
I respond back, "woah... what was that about? perhaps you sent me a message that I didn't get? perhaps you responded with a comment that I didn't see? I know you're at work, I wasn't expecting an immediate reply... and what link? I sent this message right about the same time your friend posted on your status asking you to explain your position...
perhaps that didn't occur to you? *shrugs* just chill... not a fan of false assumptions any more than you are =/ on my end? I sent you this message THEN checked notifications and saw that your friend had asked you to explain yourself. It was not at all a matter of me hounding you.... if you'd checked time stamps maybe you woulda seen that. I don't type THAT fast, and had I known he was going to ask what I wanted to know I wouldn't have sent you the message.
But instead you just ASSUMED that b/c I've had a bad habit in the past of being very impatient waiting for responses therefore that must be what I'm doing again... rather than think that perhaps I started typing this message before he commented and rather than losing what I typed by checking what the response to your status was I chose to finish typing and send the message only then to realize two people asked the same thing at the same time....
and, there's no way to unsend a message...
*is honestly hurt that you assumed falsely based on my past screw ups* I don't feel like you have any faith in me anymore... *sighs*"
I just feel like he views me as a failure, a screw up, an annoying ditzy blonde. I feel like he judges me so much on past mistakes. He completely misunderstood the situation and then just assumes b/c I keep asking for the same info I'm being impatient. No if he had actually read what I was saying he'd have seen that I was looking for a middle-of-the-road information source on Issue 2. Not a one-sided "here's the facts but we strongly encourage you to vote this way" site. Sites like those tend to post unaccurate information about the other side of the issue just to do their best to persuade you to vote the way they're promoting.
I just give up. I am so tired of this fight. Nothing I do is right in his eyes, everything I do to him is just smothering and stuff. He wants his space fine he can have his space. I've done all I can do, I've told him how I feel, that I'm trying all I know how to try and feel like I'm failing.... now I guess I just sit back and wait. If I say nothing to him for a long time what will he do? Sometimes I feel like he cares about me but most times I feel like he doesn't... I feel like he cares when he wants to and that's it. He's never asked me ANYTHING about my interests.... never asked why I love penguins so much, why I am so interested in photography, how's my job going, etc.
He takes no interest in my life ever (unless it's business related) yet gets upset with me when I take interest in his life and tells me I'm not giving him any space, etc. How much space do you want?? I want and need you to take an interest in my life outside of business, since you say you care about me more than just a downline.... so please, prove it. I know you're dealing with stuff, but seriously, I've TOLD YOU what I'm dealing with. Have you ever once asked how I'm feeling, how I'm doing, how I'm coping with my recent diagnosis? Nope, not even once. Not. Even. Once.
The point of likes and comments on Facebook, is so that your friends can like and comment on stuff you post and you can see who you have the most similar interests with, b/c you are more likely wanting to talk to those people more than those who have almost no similar interests as you....
I need you to work with me on this, not against me! If you don't want me to like and comment on stuff you post that I agree with, then keep me blocked, or change your settings to friends only can comment/like your posts and unfriend me. I guess I'll just keep my mouth shut from now on since you don't care what I think and don't seem to want to hear what I think.... You know I want to be friends, but I feel like I've done all I can to try and be your friend and gotten nowhere, so if you want to be friends with me, please! Make me feel like it! Help me understand what you want from me, but I will tell you one thing right now. I am not ok with being distant friends with you - distant acquaintances - the kind of friend acquaintances that never really talk to each other but when we see each other we're all buddy buddy, b/c to me that's being fake, pretending to be really good buddies when we aren't.... I know it will take awhile (if ever) before we get back to being the close friends we once were.... and I'm ok with that. I'm not expecting things to just be how they were immediately b/c I know they're not.
We need to talk, that's all I gotta say. If you are unwilling to meet with me 1-on-1 somewhere, grab a cheap but tasty sandwich somewhere, and get on the same page, then that tells me what I need to know....
I just can't keep doing this one person friendship thing anymore. Either you're with me or against me and if you're with me, show me! When are you gonna start seeing things from my end??
I thought this time would be different... but maybe I thought wrong.
~ Kat
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