Who am I, really?

To better understand where I'm at, it's recommended you read my last blog...

In the process of bettering myself, it takes getting to know myself... really know myself, how I view myself, who I think I am personality wise, why I am how I am, what I want to change, and how I need to go about doing it...

I've suspected for awhile now I'm bi-polar. I've not been officially diagnosed by my doctor yet, as the doctor I saw on Tuesday was not my regular doctor, but I don't see him til next month, and didn't want to wait that long to get the help I know I need.

The reasons I think I'm bi-polar are simple... I feel out of control of my life, I do stupid stuff and mean stuff for no explainable reason, and most times without any thought. It just happens... I feel so much like I have an inner devil or evil twin, and I scare myself honestly. I snap over the slightest things and don't know why. I don't like being mean, I really don't. I strive to be a nice person but most the times I feel like I'm just not. It's gotten so much worse over time that now I have at least one person, M, who is currently not speaking to me (and may never speak to me again) who views me as a mean person... a psycho bitch. He'd never call me that b/c he's too nice, but I know that's pretty much how he views me. A crazy mean person who keeps hurting him and snaps over the dumbest stuff.

After talking to the doctor and doing some research, both of us have come to the conclusion it's very likely I have bi-polar manic disorder. For time's sake I'm not going to get into what that means, but summed up it means inexplicable drastic frequent mood changes... you know, going from being very happy to very mean almost instantly, and feeling out of control of matters.

There's more to it than that... look it up on WebMD or I'll post about it after work...

I'm on a sample of medicine that is supposed to calm me down and help balance out my moods more. I took it once, it seemed to help, but kinda gave me a headache so not sure how I feel about that.

All I know is I want to be a better person. I want to be the nice person I know I can be sometimes.

So with that I'm going to eat lunch... just wanted to mention what's going on, and I'll probably post more later. I really need prayers though, b/c if I do have bi-polar manic disorder, I need to find a medicine that won't give me weird side effects, and I have to somehow tell my parents about it... and that's going to be hard.

More later.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend.

Evilness is a horrible horrible thing and when you let it consume you it will instantly destroy relationships with those around you.

I was so consumed with fury about my ex bringing his crush to the movies he invited me to, knowing I wasn't over him and hurting bc he was over me. I swore when she rejected him I wouldn't be there for him or show any pity for him. After all, he didn't care that I was hurting.

Well last night the devil in me took over. I asked about how things were going with the girl, knowing full well she had no interest in him. I wanted to throw it in his face. I wanted him to taste karma. He hurt me, rejected me for a girl that was similar to me, particularly in appearance...

As I suspected, nothing became of him and her. My devil rejoiced. I threw it in his face yet tried to claim I was a bit sympathetic to him being rejected. I told him now maybe you'll know how I felt, to really like someone and get ZERO return interest.

What the hell is wrong with me? Since when did I wish ill of others? He was very hurt that I did that and pretty sure now he hates me.

He blocked me on Facebook and refuses to talk to me. I doubt he will ever talk to me again. And it's all my fault....

How did I get so mean? What's wrong with me? I'm a horrible person and can't control me. I need help but I fear I'm way beyond help.

I was so sure he did that on purpose, to kick me when I was down, but he swears he didn't. I don't understand it at all. Do we really know each other that little that he didn't think it would hurt me, that I'd just be strong and mature enough to handle that? It hurt so bad. Can't say I'm over the hurt. In my eyes that was hitting below the belt.

What's worse is I have no reason not to believe him when he says he didn't do it to intentionally hurt me. So why don't I believe him?? I think I'm just so used to this crap happening from guys when he did it I'm like oh of course. I don't get it though, why would he do that if not to be cruel? I don't think he understood I'd been avoiding the reality of him being over me for four years, bc I'd dated another guy. I don't think he believed I loved him and wasn't over him.

So I threw his pain in his face, I broke his already broken heart.... Others have been hurting him lately too he said, doing the same shit I did... Making him feel like nothing, no one, just a worthless piece of junk that belongs in the junk yard.

I don't know what the hell my problem is that I'm so mean but it kills me. Why do I delight in the torment of others til they leave me bc I'm a bitch and then I go oh shit I really screwed up, shouldn't have done that.

I feel worthless now. I know I'm an idiot and anyone who tries to tell me otherwise please tell me how I'm not an idiot doing these things.

I thought I was over the hurts of my past but I'm thinking deep down inside I'm really not. If I was I'd be able to trust him, and know he isn't like that.

I don't know what hurts him more, the fact that I stabbed him in the heart and rejoiced at him being rejected, or the fact that after 4 and a half years of knowing him I still don't trust him or believe in him that he wouldn't do that to me, despite having shown how much he cares about me (or in this case, did care about me...)

I should go talk to someone, a counselor, a Christian counselor. I know someone I wanna talk to but honestly it scares the hell out of me, the thought of opening up to her and allowing myself to be that vulnerable and see what a horrible person I am.

Why do I fear rejection so DAMN much??? Right now I can't stop crying I'm that hurt. Honestly I hate myself. I hate who I am and I hate the mask I wear trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't wanna be like this, but I don't know how or even if I can change. I want so bad to believe I can change but fear and doubt have me believing otherwise.

It's not just him I'm mean to, either, it's everyone. I'm just a horrible mean psycho, Jekyll and Hyde. Oww minute I'm sweet the next I'm a monster. I'm starting to think I have bi-polar but not sure. I'm also terrified that's just an excuse I made up to try and explain my problem. I don't want to believe I can just take a pill and it'll make me better. I'm scared that if I go that route it won't change anything.

What if I go that route and it changes nothing? Then what? I get the dosage upped, I get my medicine changed, I get put on multiple medications....

I don't know what's wrong with me. All I know is I hate myself. I hate who I am, I hate what I do. I hate that who I am is someone that causes others to hate me. I want to get better, but not sure what route to take. Self help book? On what topic? Bi-polar disease?  Should I seek counseling and see if someone can help me figure out why I'm a psycho bitch, and how to stop being one? Should I talk to my doctor and get tested for bi-polar disease? Or should I just keep on trucking, trying to fix things on my own?

I want help, I want to get better, but how do you get help when you don't know what you need? Doesn't knowing what you need require knowing the root of the problem? Not just knowing what the problem is but knowing what causes the problem? I know I'm a psycho bitch, but I don't know why.... Or is the point of seeking help to find out what's causing the problem AND how to fix it?

No wonder he ran away from me. I don't blame him. I doubt he will ever talk to me again. He has tried to help me for four years and it's done no good, why would he keep wasting his time on someone who has proven she hates him? Actions speak louder than words.... It's the thought that counts.... I say I care about him and say he's a great guy but what do I prove to him through my thoughts and actions? I prove I hate him.

This isn't who God created. He doesn't create mean spiteful psycho bitches. He creates nice people and leaves us on our own with a survival guide, and we throw it away, ignore it, try to run our own lives, and turn ourselves into psycho bitches. We hold on to bitterness, we hold on to those wrongdoings, we hold on to the pain of the past and use it as an excuse for why we act out, why we don't trust someone, and worst of all, we use it as a weapon to hurt those closest to us.

How do we stop?? If someone can tell me, advise me on how to get off this horrible evil ride, please do. I want to get off. I don't want to - and can't - keep doing this anymore.

He told me we would always be friends so I wanna believe he will come back in time. He stopped talking to me for a month back in 2007 when we broke up bc I hurt him so much, but he came back. Now I picture him asking himself why he did that... I want to believe he will come back. I want to believe in time he will miss me and talk to Mew again but I doubt that it's going to happen. I have abused him and hurt him since the beginning. Why would he miss me and come back? I've given him nothing TO miss. A few fun times together and a few fun memories don't come close to outweighing four and a half years of hell. It's horrible, the only times I can think of that I wasn't a bitch to him are the day we met, the day last year when he made spaghetti at his new place, and new year's eve/day this year when I was sick as a dog. I'm sure there are more but I can't think of them bc it's rare I'm nice to him. That's it. Three days between 2/23/07 and 10/17/11... Three days out of almost four years and nine months. Three days between the day I met him and the day he said I can't play your psycho games anymore, and walked out of my life probably for the last time.

I want him to come back. I keep telling him I'm sorry, I want to prove to him how much I care, I wanna be that great person he wants me to be, that sweet loving person I wanna be. I wanna be an asset to his life. Yet I have yet to prove to him I know how to do that.

I don't know his past, what kind of girls he dated, how they treated him, etc., but somehow I can't help thinking out of all of them, I was the worst. I'm the one he regrets dating the most.

Sometimes I wonder if he wishes he had never met me. I don't know. Thank God he has never said that bc it's really mean but yeah I wonder if he wishes that.

I'd like to think he looks at me and thinks, the rare times she's nice, she is a great girl. She has so much potential, if only she could learn to stay calm and trust me and not label me as an asshole every time I make a mistake or she thinks I make a mistake.

I don't know though. I think after four and a half years I'm past the "having potential" point. I think he has finally given up on me, and I don't blame him.

I don't know anything anymore. I don't know him. I don't know how he thinks, why he acts how he does. I don't even know myself, how I think, why I act how I do. All I know right now are four things:
1. I'm an idiot.
2. I'm a psycho bitch.
3. He's gone, it hurts, and it's all my fault.
4. Somehow God still loves me and doesn't think I'm a failure.

If it weren't for #4 I'd have no hope. I'd have no reason to get up and keep going and keep trying to be who I'm meant to be, be who God made me to be.

So here begins yet another attempt to become the nice person I pretend to be, hopefully this time I will be successful.

Tired of corporate BS

I have never been one to play games at work.... meaning slack off and let your co-worker(s) pick up your workload, and then claim credit for and get paid for work you didn't do. I was raised better than that. My dad is a hard worker, my mom is a hard worker. They raised me and my brother to be hard workers and actually work at work. Every job I've had though, with the exception of when I worked for this company last year during the holiday season, I've had to deal with the same corporate BS... co-workers who learn quickly you're a very hard worker. You bust your butt at work and do what you're supposed to do, do it right, and do it on time. They decide then to get by doing as little work as possible knowing you'll pick up the slack.

I work in a warehouse for an online retail website doing janitorial work. This is defined as the following:
Clean the bathrooms (all 6 of them), clean the breakrooms, clean the offices, clean the security turnstyles, maintain the water coolers throughout the warehouse, switch out gaylords (giant cardboard boxes containing used cardboard and trash) throughout the warehouse, and compact trash and cardboard. Put simply clean what needs to be cleaned, and maintain the cleanliness.

When I first started at the beginning of September, It was just me and my co-worker G. She's older, in her 40's, with 3 high-school aged kids... too old to be slacking! I didn't have any problems though with her slacking. It was just me and her, plenty of work to keep us both busy throughout the day. Slacking on either of our parts meant management wouldn't be happy because what has to be done daily wouldn't get done.

However, about 3 weeks ago, maybe 4, J started. Not sure how old she is, doesn't matter, IMO if you're old enough to have a job and earn a paycheck you're too old to slack. As soon as she started, G and J decided to slack off together and dump the majority of the work on me.

I've tolerated it but this week, G has pushed me past toleration. Time to flip the tables. Yesterday she straight up lied about doing the water coolers, yet tried to claim credit for doing them. JA (different than J) and I made sure management found out. JA doesn't play games either, and doesn't tolerate immature games.

In addition to that, G and J claimed to mop the breakroom despite not doing it. Why lie about doing something you didn't do?? Someone is going to find out you didn't do it and you'll get in trouble.

Oh, did I mention both G and J want to talk about me behind my back and try and make me out to be a slacker? UM, NO!!! Today, however, G took it to a whole new level of pissing me off by slacking! 8am we start cleaning the front 4 bathrooms... a few minutes before 8am she's nowhere to be found. 7:59 she shows up, I'm annoyed at her showing up last minute but was like "ok well at least she's here to help." She gave me a sly look conveying "have fun cleaning by yourself!" and walked off to the break rooms to go outside and smoke a cigarette (which you're not supposed to do if you're not on break), leaving me to clean the entire women's bathroom by myself. She showed up just to mop... so while she was mopping I flipped the tables, snuck out of the bathrooms and went to switch out gaylords.

Seriously, I'm done playing games. I have enough crap to do at work today without having to pick up the slack of TWO OTHERS!!!! The tables have been turned. I am not doing the jobs they are supposed to be doing anymore. If they don't do them, they won't get done, and if management asks why they didn't get done, I'll tell them because G and J didn't do them. Management knows I work HARD around here. They know I don't goof off, I'm always doing something.

Seriously, G? You have 3 high-schoolers. You are WAY too old to be playing games. What kind of example are you setting? I know it's rude but I can't imagine what condition her house must be kept in considering how she won't even clean at work!

Like I said, tables have turned. I'm done playing games. I will do my job and my job only. You can either work with me to get the combined workload done quicker, or you can slack off and I'll do my share of the work (IE as much as I can get done in one day) and anything else that doesn't get done will be your fault.

Grow up, k? I don't play the corporate bs childish games. Never have, never will. I'm better than that. I like EARNING my paycheck. It feels good getting my paycheck knowing I worked hard for my money! =)

~ Kat

I'm over it. him. us. Finally.

I'm moving over from Xanga, so some of this content may not make sense to you all. Long story short, I met a guy in February 2007 that I was convinced was the one for me. I had no trust in men due to being lied to and cheated on in all my previous relationships, so in the long run, he poured his heart into me, treated me like a princess, and over and over I broke his heart and couldn't trust him and lived in fear. Eventually he couldn't take it anymore. I was a mess, and even though I fell in love with him I still had problems trusting him, and because I kept hurting him he didn't feel the same way about me and didn't want to stay in the relationship b/c he thought he'd feel pressured to say something he didn't feel, and wasn't ready to feel - I love you.

At least that's how I remember it.

Anyways I've tried for 4 years to get over him, and just haven't been able to face reality that he moved on. I was convinced it was meant to be. Long story as far as why. If you wanna know just tell me and I'll tell you, it's just too much to get into on here, esp b/c he may read this and hates this topic (though I'm sure he won't b/c he doesn't seem to take tons of interest in my life...)

Anyways... I've been trying to forgive myself for breaking his heart. I spent about a week, depressed, b/c I felt like it was my fault the relationship ended. I felt guilty for breaking his heart.

I made a whole blog post about how do you forgive yourself? (on Xanga). I still don't know the answer to that.

To make things worse, what I thought was going to be a rare awesome 1-on-1 hang out night between me and him seeing a new movie, turned out to be a pretty crappy night that made me more depressed. He brought along a new girl that he likes (oh and woke me up out of a sound sleep to tell me that he was bringing her so deal with it (though he used some polite words for deal with it)...)

I was like ok I'll go only b/c I want to see the movie and don't wanna go alone. I wish I'd gone alone, honestly. He ignored me almost the whole night. He left me and his buddy S to sit together and I guess talk if I wanted someone to talk to, and he knows S and I don't really have anything in common, nothing to talk about at all. In fact S has a girlfriend, so that made things more awkward.

On top of it all, I was SHOCKED to see this girl... this girl who looked remarkably like me but not as pretty.... yeah catty I know but honest... short, skinny, talkative, blue eyed blonde that gets cold easily and spent the night huddled up in her coat like I usually do. Oh and she drives a newer 4 door chevorlet sedan like I do! My thought was REALLY M?? Of all the people you'd take interest in it's someone who looks like me.

Why does he like her? She has a passion for film like he does, and is a film critic like he is... really? He and I have waaay more in common than I could tell they do. I could also tell she didn't seem all that interested in him as more than just someone cool to talk about film with.

So I'm still hurt but doing better...

I've viewed M as this amazing guy for all these years and now I'm seeing some things I don't like about him at all, definite deal breakers.

1. He invited her along to the movie knowing I was already hurting and that it would hurt me. Low class. Kick me when I'm down.

2. He got incredibly mad at me b/c I wasn't jumping for joy that he met someone new and liked her. He said he did take my feelings into consideration by telling me rather than letting it be a surprise. Nooo if you'd taken my feelings into consideration, you would have told me SOONER that you met someone new, and given me time to adjust to the idea before letting me meet her.

3. He was head over heels for her that night, ignoring me almost completely, even on the walk out from the theater... he stood by her side chatting away leaving me and Steve lagging behind....

So do I still love him? Nope, not really. He killed those feelings all in one night. I would NEVER do that to a guy that loved me that I didn't feel the same about... I'd break it to him gently, not wake him up, tell him I was considering his feelings by telling him, then tell him that he has to have a good time at the outing or he's not welcome.

Seriously you wake me up out of a much needed nap, hit me with reality that I've been denying, break my heart, get pissed at me for not jumping for joy at the news, and leave me to drive there myself knowing I'm way too exhausted to drive, after saying you'd give me a ride, and honestly expect me to be little miss sunshine and have a great time? Nope. I was fake polite. On the outside I was nice and polite but on the inside I was steaming.

After 4.5 years the truth of who he is came clear... He is not the one for me. I care about him as a friend, but now I see the light.... Any guy who would do that to a girl is pretty low class. So I face reality. I'm not the princess, you're not the prince. I beat myself up and cried for a week feeling bad about a relationship that I probably did end. 

But you know what? I'm over it. I'm over him. I'm over us. Finally. I realize now there's things about him that I don't like, he showed some of his true colors finally after 4.5 years.

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, and I'm glad he's my friend, but the fact he did those things to me, and I get the feeling that he sees those behaviors as acceptable, just shows me he's not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. God has better for me =)

So as much as it hurt, thanks M, for helping me do something in ONE NIGHT that I wasn't able to do on my own in 4.5 years. I say that with a smile and sincerity.

~ Kat

Mobile blog test

Testing the Blogger Android app :-) hope I can publish to Facebook from it.

~ Kat

Welcome to The Kat's Meow!

I'm Kat, and my blog posts will be my meow =) I've blogged for years, been on Xanga, but moved over here since most my blog friends are on here and I believe Xanga requires you to have a Xanga account to comment on people's posts, and I'd like to have public comments.

So who am I?

I am Kat. I'm a 27 year old female living in Ohio, working in Kentucky. I love to talk, so expect frequent updates. I love the color blue, the color hot pink, shoes, cats, and penguins. I also like being lazy when I can be, but believe me, I am NOT a lazy employee! =) I have a huge passion for graphic design and photography. I made my blog header myself. I simply spent about an hour editing this photo: http://s3.hubimg.com/u/4146794_f520.jpg

As you can see, it took A LOT of editing! Oh, and just gonna say this now. I will only CONSIDER making blog headers for people I actually know. I work 40 hours a week on my feet in a warehouse, so understandably in my free time I like to be lazy and hang out with friends and catch up with their lives, so please don't ask me to make you a blog header or some banner. That's not the purpose of my blog or showing off my work. =P I show off my work because I am proud of it, and want people to appreciate the work that goes into things we take for granted, like graphic design work!

That's all for now. Stay tuned for a new update tomorrow (if the mood hits me)

~ Kat