so I posted a few blog entries ago about problems I was having with M. I'm pretty sure in my last post I mentioned that he and I really weren't talking. Well I saw him on Tuesday for the first time in about a month, and for the first time since our huge fight that led us both very hurt, angry, and not speaking to each other.... I was very nervous as far as how it was gonna go. All I wanted is for us to be on good terms and not feel like we hated each other or had to be fake friendly to each other. I wasn't going to say anything to him right away, since I wasn't sure if he wanted to speak to me or anything, but when he saw me he greeted me with a friendly hey! and it didn't feel fake.
I still have a lot of questions about what happened, why he said and did what he did that I want answers to but I know better than to bring it up with him... it'll just cause more problems. At this point, after general discussion about the situation, we have written it off as just we were both very stressed, each dealing with a lot of crap, and more or less took it out on each other. He was glad that I wanted to be on friendly terms, and not feel like we hated each other or had to be fake friendly. I told him I don't like being fake friendly, and he said that's a good thing, nor did he.
At the end of the night I asked if we were cool now, and he said yes. Neither of us have apologized for our wrongdoings and honestly I don't see a point to it, as long as we're forgiving the other and dropping the situation. I did apologize for saying I hated him, and that I was really angry at the moment and at that moment did hate him...
So I guess we're starting our friendship over and I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, we've been friends for so long I can't easily just give up on him b/c I do care a lot about him. He's been there for me through some of my toughest times, and overall proven he cares about me (though still not sure how much, to what extent, but I suppose some is better than none...) but on the other hand, what he said about me still hurts and really broke my trust in him. I feel like I've just put myself through so much of his verbal abuse and belittling, that on Tuesday I found myself still expecting more of the same when I told him I cried about my car (I was expecting to be called overly emotional or a wuss or something). After what he said about me I'm left wondering how much of his supposed friendly teasing me really was just teasing, vs what he actually thinks of me.
I used to think he cared about me and thought I was smart, but now honestly I'm not so sure. What's worse is yeah I could ask him, but if he answers me (which he usually doesn't) I don't know if I could believe his answer....
So, I don't know if I'm making a mistake or not, but I still care about him, and to me that's motivation to give things another chance, and just trust God on the situation.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
why is life so hard and stressful??
I've not blogged in awhile b/c I've had just so much going on. I don't even really remember what I mentioned in my last blog, but in case I didn't mention it, M and I had a huge falling out and are right now not really friends or talking. It sucks so bad b/c stupidly I still care about him. I say stupidly b/c lately he hasn't exactly treated me very nice, and what led to our falling out was he said something very very hurtful about me, and said it on Facebook. he didn't mention my name but I knew it was about me as did several of his friends who had seen the comment I made that led to him saying the very hurtful thing about me. I don't know why he did it, and I forgive him but it still hurts. I thought I knew him so well, and then he goes and says that about me. I thought he cared, then he said that, and now I'm left wondering what does he really think about me?? I'd like to know, and perhaps when he's ready to talk to me he can tell me the truth. I thought he cared and always thought he believed in me and thought I was smart but lately as I've reflected on my friendship with him I've noticed that every fight is the same... I'm the one to blame (so he says), he's innocent (so he says) and I'm the one with all the problems that need to be fixed (so he says). I look at the fights and go sure I screwed up and made some mistakes and need improvement in some areas of my life and need to fix some things, but so does he... I just wish he'd admit it. I think he knows, but perhaps thinks he'll be less of a man or human if he admits that. No... you're human, we mess up, it's ok, just learn from your mistakes... So yeah, I miss him, and it sucks b/c I don't know if I even should miss him. I suppose only time will tell.
The second week of November was so hard on me. He and I had that fight on the 8th, and then two days later I got in a terrible car wreck, and totaled my car... I wanted so bad to just call him and tell him what happened and ask him to please pray for me, b/c he's always been there for me when I've had a crappy time in life, to calm me down, pray for me, and help me focus on the positive and just be there for me.... and suddenly, when I needed him to be there for me, needed my comfort friend, he wasn't there, so that made things hard.
I was on my way to work, and at the intersection of the street I need to turn left onto to get to work, I was in the left turn lane, and the light turned yellow. I thought in my head I could make it. I looked ahead and honestly I saw no one close to me. I didn't see anyone and thought anyone that would be coming would be stopping for the light, b/c it'd be red by the time they got to the intersection. I start to turn, and then I see a black SUV right next to my car. Too close to my car. It was too late to correct my car's position, it was too late for him to have time to move. I was struck almost head on by a black Dodge Durango that was going somewhere between 40 and 45mph. I was going about 5mph. So impact was between 45 and 50mph. I remember nothing after that. I was knocked unconscious, not sure for how long. Not very long, a few minutes though. I have no idea how my body was impacted in the collision. I don't remember any of that. I came to, in a big fog, knowing I'd been in a wreck, knowing I'd been hit hard. I was so out of it, it took me a few minutes to realize I was injured and in a moderate amount of pain, and that my airbag went off. I just remember repeatedly checking my left side view mirror, looking back to see if the other car stopped. I saw him stopped. I checked again. I did this three or four times, trying to make sure I wasn't seeing things, trying to make sure the other vehicle stopped. I don't know why I did that at all. My guess is that my mind knew I was injured and needed help. I realized then my airbag went off, and started checking to make sure I wasn't bleeding, as my friend's brother was in a very similar wreck about a year ago and the airbag cut up his face quite a bit. It didn't fully register in my head that the other driver had stopped until he came over to my car to check on me, and b/c it hadn't registered that they had stopped, it scared me when I saw him. I didn't realize I was injured at the time. I was hurting but b/c I was able to walk I thought I was uninjured. I even told the police so when they arrived, despite complaining of shoulder, neck and back pain.
I had planned to go to the ER after the scene was cleaned up, I had planned to have my dad take me, as my car was totaled so I wasn't going to drive anywhere. Due to my complaints of pain in my neck and back they talked me into having the paramedics come out and check me out and take me to the ER. I was so out of it I agreed. I pray I never go through that again. They weren't very nice as I recall, they were kind of harsh sounding. I was placed in a neck brace, strapped to the back board, put on the stretcher in the ambulance and taken away. I was in so much pain, my back hurt so bad being on that board and I was so tired and wanted to sleep but I couldn't. I had to stay awake so they knew I was conscious and ok. A few hours later and about a dozen x-rays later I was sent home with the diagnosis of no broken bones (praise God!) but severe whiplash and bruising. It's amazing how much pain the body can endure. I was in a lot of pain the next several days, heck, for about a week.... Especially my nose and forehead from hitting the airbag. Almost 3 weeks later I'm still recovering from my injuries. My nose and forehead are ok now but my back and neck still hurt, so I'm going to the chiropractor 2x a week to be treated for those injuries. Work was very hard the week after my wreck, as I was so sore and could hardly move.
So now begins the stressful and emotional task of getting a new car. It's very hard as my credit is bad, so no one wants to put me in a car without either a co-signer on the loan or minimum $1500 down. I have a friend though whose husband works at a local Chevy dealership though, and his friend at the Chevy dealership around the corner from where he works pulled some strings for me and is doing me a huge favor and said if I can come up with $500 I can get a car. I really hope this is true! So dad and I are going to go out there probably tomorrow night to look at our options, but I don't get paid til Friday so I won't be able to get a car until Friday night he said. It sucks b/c I need to return my rental car today.
That's about it, that's an update on my life... My stress level has been through the roof, I can't even imagine how high my blood pressure must be... good thing I'm not prone to blood pressure problems and therefore don't monitor it... oh and my slacker co-workers on Friday made my life hell. I really dislike them. I'm not playing their games this week, though. I have enough work of my own to do without having to do theirs as well like I have been the whole time I've worked here... so starting this week, I am doing ONLY the work I have to do, which is plenty to keep me busy all week, and not any of theirs. It's not fair at all. I will do my work and my work only, not theirs, and if they don't do what they are supposed to be doing, then it just won't get done, and if the managers get ticked off about stuff not being done (the stuff they're supposed to do) then it's going to be on my slacker co-workers, not me. It's too stressful and strenuous to take on all their work in addition to mine, while they just stand around being lazy running their darn mouths. They need to grow up lol.
Well, that's it for now. I'd appreciate the prayers of those who read this, as I'm struggling in my faith right now, struggling to understand why God allowed this to happen to me, and how on earth this is best for me... It's very hard, I don't understand at all, but still trying to trust Him.
~ Kat
The second week of November was so hard on me. He and I had that fight on the 8th, and then two days later I got in a terrible car wreck, and totaled my car... I wanted so bad to just call him and tell him what happened and ask him to please pray for me, b/c he's always been there for me when I've had a crappy time in life, to calm me down, pray for me, and help me focus on the positive and just be there for me.... and suddenly, when I needed him to be there for me, needed my comfort friend, he wasn't there, so that made things hard.
I was on my way to work, and at the intersection of the street I need to turn left onto to get to work, I was in the left turn lane, and the light turned yellow. I thought in my head I could make it. I looked ahead and honestly I saw no one close to me. I didn't see anyone and thought anyone that would be coming would be stopping for the light, b/c it'd be red by the time they got to the intersection. I start to turn, and then I see a black SUV right next to my car. Too close to my car. It was too late to correct my car's position, it was too late for him to have time to move. I was struck almost head on by a black Dodge Durango that was going somewhere between 40 and 45mph. I was going about 5mph. So impact was between 45 and 50mph. I remember nothing after that. I was knocked unconscious, not sure for how long. Not very long, a few minutes though. I have no idea how my body was impacted in the collision. I don't remember any of that. I came to, in a big fog, knowing I'd been in a wreck, knowing I'd been hit hard. I was so out of it, it took me a few minutes to realize I was injured and in a moderate amount of pain, and that my airbag went off. I just remember repeatedly checking my left side view mirror, looking back to see if the other car stopped. I saw him stopped. I checked again. I did this three or four times, trying to make sure I wasn't seeing things, trying to make sure the other vehicle stopped. I don't know why I did that at all. My guess is that my mind knew I was injured and needed help. I realized then my airbag went off, and started checking to make sure I wasn't bleeding, as my friend's brother was in a very similar wreck about a year ago and the airbag cut up his face quite a bit. It didn't fully register in my head that the other driver had stopped until he came over to my car to check on me, and b/c it hadn't registered that they had stopped, it scared me when I saw him. I didn't realize I was injured at the time. I was hurting but b/c I was able to walk I thought I was uninjured. I even told the police so when they arrived, despite complaining of shoulder, neck and back pain.
I had planned to go to the ER after the scene was cleaned up, I had planned to have my dad take me, as my car was totaled so I wasn't going to drive anywhere. Due to my complaints of pain in my neck and back they talked me into having the paramedics come out and check me out and take me to the ER. I was so out of it I agreed. I pray I never go through that again. They weren't very nice as I recall, they were kind of harsh sounding. I was placed in a neck brace, strapped to the back board, put on the stretcher in the ambulance and taken away. I was in so much pain, my back hurt so bad being on that board and I was so tired and wanted to sleep but I couldn't. I had to stay awake so they knew I was conscious and ok. A few hours later and about a dozen x-rays later I was sent home with the diagnosis of no broken bones (praise God!) but severe whiplash and bruising. It's amazing how much pain the body can endure. I was in a lot of pain the next several days, heck, for about a week.... Especially my nose and forehead from hitting the airbag. Almost 3 weeks later I'm still recovering from my injuries. My nose and forehead are ok now but my back and neck still hurt, so I'm going to the chiropractor 2x a week to be treated for those injuries. Work was very hard the week after my wreck, as I was so sore and could hardly move.
So now begins the stressful and emotional task of getting a new car. It's very hard as my credit is bad, so no one wants to put me in a car without either a co-signer on the loan or minimum $1500 down. I have a friend though whose husband works at a local Chevy dealership though, and his friend at the Chevy dealership around the corner from where he works pulled some strings for me and is doing me a huge favor and said if I can come up with $500 I can get a car. I really hope this is true! So dad and I are going to go out there probably tomorrow night to look at our options, but I don't get paid til Friday so I won't be able to get a car until Friday night he said. It sucks b/c I need to return my rental car today.
That's about it, that's an update on my life... My stress level has been through the roof, I can't even imagine how high my blood pressure must be... good thing I'm not prone to blood pressure problems and therefore don't monitor it... oh and my slacker co-workers on Friday made my life hell. I really dislike them. I'm not playing their games this week, though. I have enough work of my own to do without having to do theirs as well like I have been the whole time I've worked here... so starting this week, I am doing ONLY the work I have to do, which is plenty to keep me busy all week, and not any of theirs. It's not fair at all. I will do my work and my work only, not theirs, and if they don't do what they are supposed to be doing, then it just won't get done, and if the managers get ticked off about stuff not being done (the stuff they're supposed to do) then it's going to be on my slacker co-workers, not me. It's too stressful and strenuous to take on all their work in addition to mine, while they just stand around being lazy running their darn mouths. They need to grow up lol.
Well, that's it for now. I'd appreciate the prayers of those who read this, as I'm struggling in my faith right now, struggling to understand why God allowed this to happen to me, and how on earth this is best for me... It's very hard, I don't understand at all, but still trying to trust Him.
~ Kat
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I thought this time would be different
He finally unblocked me on Facebook. He was talking to me some, didn't seem to hate me. Yet the signs were obvious that he really had no desire to have anything to do with me, it seems he wants to be something I don't want to be. Distant Facebook friends.... you know, those friends you have on Facebook but never really talk to...
I am just so upset and confused. Is it me or is it him?? I have tried for more than 4.5 years to be a good friend to him. I failed miserably at being his girlfriend, yet we cared enough about each other 4 years ago to try and be friends, something I'd never done with an ex boyfriend... I don't know how to be friends with an ex boyfriend (or really guys period) and he's just kinda making it more clear that I fail at that too.
I've tried so many things I can think of. Being nice to him, doing him favors b/c I know he likes it when ppl do him nice favors, take an interest in superhero stuff (some of which is fascinating, some of which is so over my head), I don't know. I just don't know anymore. NOTHING has worked.
I'm realizing now what complete opposites we are, and how we have pretty much no basis for a friendship, and the more I try to connect to his world and take interest in things he likes (despite him taking NO INTEREST AT ALL in things I like) the more he acts like he wants nothing to do with me.
Um I know I hurt you a few weeks ago, but I apologized and said I wanted to make things right. When you unblocked me I assumed you were willing to work with me and make things right, only to be snapped at today for being impatient when honestly I don't know what the heck I did!!! The impatient comment came after I sent him a message asking him to explain his side for Ohio Issue 2 (ie why he is voting the way he is). Well right about the same time I sent him the message, one of his friends commented on his status asking him the same thing - please explain yourself. I think the comment was posted a little before I sent the message, but well after I started typing the message. When I type messages on Facebook, I ignore notifications b/c it's easier just to check them later than highlight one, right click, open in new tab, read, and try to refocus on what I was saying in the message.
Well because of this, he responds with "first, you have to realize I'm at work and can't respond to everything lickety split. second, the link I posted didn't say anything about anyone lying" ... ok I checked replies to his status, no link. I'm thinking now he meant the one he posted last night. Ok that's completely one sided, as is the similar website for the other side of the issue. It simply says "you should vote this way because..." it's not a neutral website that gives facts on both sides of the issue and encourages you to vote on what you now know. It says here's both sides, makes a compelling argument for their side, and says vote yes! That's not what I'm looking for.
I respond back, "woah... what was that about? perhaps you sent me a message that I didn't get? perhaps you responded with a comment that I didn't see? I know you're at work, I wasn't expecting an immediate reply... and what link? I sent this message right about the same time your friend posted on your status asking you to explain your position...
perhaps that didn't occur to you? *shrugs* just chill... not a fan of false assumptions any more than you are =/ on my end? I sent you this message THEN checked notifications and saw that your friend had asked you to explain yourself. It was not at all a matter of me hounding you.... if you'd checked time stamps maybe you woulda seen that. I don't type THAT fast, and had I known he was going to ask what I wanted to know I wouldn't have sent you the message.
But instead you just ASSUMED that b/c I've had a bad habit in the past of being very impatient waiting for responses therefore that must be what I'm doing again... rather than think that perhaps I started typing this message before he commented and rather than losing what I typed by checking what the response to your status was I chose to finish typing and send the message only then to realize two people asked the same thing at the same time....
and, there's no way to unsend a message...
*is honestly hurt that you assumed falsely based on my past screw ups* I don't feel like you have any faith in me anymore... *sighs*"
I just feel like he views me as a failure, a screw up, an annoying ditzy blonde. I feel like he judges me so much on past mistakes. He completely misunderstood the situation and then just assumes b/c I keep asking for the same info I'm being impatient. No if he had actually read what I was saying he'd have seen that I was looking for a middle-of-the-road information source on Issue 2. Not a one-sided "here's the facts but we strongly encourage you to vote this way" site. Sites like those tend to post unaccurate information about the other side of the issue just to do their best to persuade you to vote the way they're promoting.
I just give up. I am so tired of this fight. Nothing I do is right in his eyes, everything I do to him is just smothering and stuff. He wants his space fine he can have his space. I've done all I can do, I've told him how I feel, that I'm trying all I know how to try and feel like I'm failing.... now I guess I just sit back and wait. If I say nothing to him for a long time what will he do? Sometimes I feel like he cares about me but most times I feel like he doesn't... I feel like he cares when he wants to and that's it. He's never asked me ANYTHING about my interests.... never asked why I love penguins so much, why I am so interested in photography, how's my job going, etc.
He takes no interest in my life ever (unless it's business related) yet gets upset with me when I take interest in his life and tells me I'm not giving him any space, etc. How much space do you want?? I want and need you to take an interest in my life outside of business, since you say you care about me more than just a downline.... so please, prove it. I know you're dealing with stuff, but seriously, I've TOLD YOU what I'm dealing with. Have you ever once asked how I'm feeling, how I'm doing, how I'm coping with my recent diagnosis? Nope, not even once. Not. Even. Once.
The point of likes and comments on Facebook, is so that your friends can like and comment on stuff you post and you can see who you have the most similar interests with, b/c you are more likely wanting to talk to those people more than those who have almost no similar interests as you....
I need you to work with me on this, not against me! If you don't want me to like and comment on stuff you post that I agree with, then keep me blocked, or change your settings to friends only can comment/like your posts and unfriend me. I guess I'll just keep my mouth shut from now on since you don't care what I think and don't seem to want to hear what I think.... You know I want to be friends, but I feel like I've done all I can to try and be your friend and gotten nowhere, so if you want to be friends with me, please! Make me feel like it! Help me understand what you want from me, but I will tell you one thing right now. I am not ok with being distant friends with you - distant acquaintances - the kind of friend acquaintances that never really talk to each other but when we see each other we're all buddy buddy, b/c to me that's being fake, pretending to be really good buddies when we aren't.... I know it will take awhile (if ever) before we get back to being the close friends we once were.... and I'm ok with that. I'm not expecting things to just be how they were immediately b/c I know they're not.
We need to talk, that's all I gotta say. If you are unwilling to meet with me 1-on-1 somewhere, grab a cheap but tasty sandwich somewhere, and get on the same page, then that tells me what I need to know....
I just can't keep doing this one person friendship thing anymore. Either you're with me or against me and if you're with me, show me! When are you gonna start seeing things from my end??
I thought this time would be different... but maybe I thought wrong.
~ Kat
I am just so upset and confused. Is it me or is it him?? I have tried for more than 4.5 years to be a good friend to him. I failed miserably at being his girlfriend, yet we cared enough about each other 4 years ago to try and be friends, something I'd never done with an ex boyfriend... I don't know how to be friends with an ex boyfriend (or really guys period) and he's just kinda making it more clear that I fail at that too.
I've tried so many things I can think of. Being nice to him, doing him favors b/c I know he likes it when ppl do him nice favors, take an interest in superhero stuff (some of which is fascinating, some of which is so over my head), I don't know. I just don't know anymore. NOTHING has worked.
I'm realizing now what complete opposites we are, and how we have pretty much no basis for a friendship, and the more I try to connect to his world and take interest in things he likes (despite him taking NO INTEREST AT ALL in things I like) the more he acts like he wants nothing to do with me.
Um I know I hurt you a few weeks ago, but I apologized and said I wanted to make things right. When you unblocked me I assumed you were willing to work with me and make things right, only to be snapped at today for being impatient when honestly I don't know what the heck I did!!! The impatient comment came after I sent him a message asking him to explain his side for Ohio Issue 2 (ie why he is voting the way he is). Well right about the same time I sent him the message, one of his friends commented on his status asking him the same thing - please explain yourself. I think the comment was posted a little before I sent the message, but well after I started typing the message. When I type messages on Facebook, I ignore notifications b/c it's easier just to check them later than highlight one, right click, open in new tab, read, and try to refocus on what I was saying in the message.
Well because of this, he responds with "first, you have to realize I'm at work and can't respond to everything lickety split. second, the link I posted didn't say anything about anyone lying" ... ok I checked replies to his status, no link. I'm thinking now he meant the one he posted last night. Ok that's completely one sided, as is the similar website for the other side of the issue. It simply says "you should vote this way because..." it's not a neutral website that gives facts on both sides of the issue and encourages you to vote on what you now know. It says here's both sides, makes a compelling argument for their side, and says vote yes! That's not what I'm looking for.
I respond back, "woah... what was that about? perhaps you sent me a message that I didn't get? perhaps you responded with a comment that I didn't see? I know you're at work, I wasn't expecting an immediate reply... and what link? I sent this message right about the same time your friend posted on your status asking you to explain your position...
perhaps that didn't occur to you? *shrugs* just chill... not a fan of false assumptions any more than you are =/ on my end? I sent you this message THEN checked notifications and saw that your friend had asked you to explain yourself. It was not at all a matter of me hounding you.... if you'd checked time stamps maybe you woulda seen that. I don't type THAT fast, and had I known he was going to ask what I wanted to know I wouldn't have sent you the message.
But instead you just ASSUMED that b/c I've had a bad habit in the past of being very impatient waiting for responses therefore that must be what I'm doing again... rather than think that perhaps I started typing this message before he commented and rather than losing what I typed by checking what the response to your status was I chose to finish typing and send the message only then to realize two people asked the same thing at the same time....
and, there's no way to unsend a message...
*is honestly hurt that you assumed falsely based on my past screw ups* I don't feel like you have any faith in me anymore... *sighs*"
I just feel like he views me as a failure, a screw up, an annoying ditzy blonde. I feel like he judges me so much on past mistakes. He completely misunderstood the situation and then just assumes b/c I keep asking for the same info I'm being impatient. No if he had actually read what I was saying he'd have seen that I was looking for a middle-of-the-road information source on Issue 2. Not a one-sided "here's the facts but we strongly encourage you to vote this way" site. Sites like those tend to post unaccurate information about the other side of the issue just to do their best to persuade you to vote the way they're promoting.
I just give up. I am so tired of this fight. Nothing I do is right in his eyes, everything I do to him is just smothering and stuff. He wants his space fine he can have his space. I've done all I can do, I've told him how I feel, that I'm trying all I know how to try and feel like I'm failing.... now I guess I just sit back and wait. If I say nothing to him for a long time what will he do? Sometimes I feel like he cares about me but most times I feel like he doesn't... I feel like he cares when he wants to and that's it. He's never asked me ANYTHING about my interests.... never asked why I love penguins so much, why I am so interested in photography, how's my job going, etc.
He takes no interest in my life ever (unless it's business related) yet gets upset with me when I take interest in his life and tells me I'm not giving him any space, etc. How much space do you want?? I want and need you to take an interest in my life outside of business, since you say you care about me more than just a downline.... so please, prove it. I know you're dealing with stuff, but seriously, I've TOLD YOU what I'm dealing with. Have you ever once asked how I'm feeling, how I'm doing, how I'm coping with my recent diagnosis? Nope, not even once. Not. Even. Once.
The point of likes and comments on Facebook, is so that your friends can like and comment on stuff you post and you can see who you have the most similar interests with, b/c you are more likely wanting to talk to those people more than those who have almost no similar interests as you....
I need you to work with me on this, not against me! If you don't want me to like and comment on stuff you post that I agree with, then keep me blocked, or change your settings to friends only can comment/like your posts and unfriend me. I guess I'll just keep my mouth shut from now on since you don't care what I think and don't seem to want to hear what I think.... You know I want to be friends, but I feel like I've done all I can to try and be your friend and gotten nowhere, so if you want to be friends with me, please! Make me feel like it! Help me understand what you want from me, but I will tell you one thing right now. I am not ok with being distant friends with you - distant acquaintances - the kind of friend acquaintances that never really talk to each other but when we see each other we're all buddy buddy, b/c to me that's being fake, pretending to be really good buddies when we aren't.... I know it will take awhile (if ever) before we get back to being the close friends we once were.... and I'm ok with that. I'm not expecting things to just be how they were immediately b/c I know they're not.
We need to talk, that's all I gotta say. If you are unwilling to meet with me 1-on-1 somewhere, grab a cheap but tasty sandwich somewhere, and get on the same page, then that tells me what I need to know....
I just can't keep doing this one person friendship thing anymore. Either you're with me or against me and if you're with me, show me! When are you gonna start seeing things from my end??
I thought this time would be different... but maybe I thought wrong.
~ Kat
Saturday, October 22, 2011
what on earth is wrong with people???
Yesterday I was driving to Meijer from work, to deposit my check and get some food to take to work with me. I was on Burlington Pike (KY 18) headed towards Florence. Right before the intersection of KY 18, Hopeful Church, and Houston Road, some dingbat comes flying out of an auto dealership or some business on the left side of the road. They waste almost no time sitting in the center turn lane waiting to get over, and instead decide they want to gun it and try and cut me off. I freaked out b/c they were about to hit me, and I blasted my horn at them. There wasn't even half a car length between me and the car in front of me at the red light. Well, apparently this pissed them off and they gave a whole new meaning to road rage!!
I'm sitting in the inner left turn lane, with a left turn lane to my left and a straight lane to my right. This jerk was in the straight lane, and drove by me and did something that shattered my back window! I'm pretty sure they shot at me, b/c it's highly unlikely they had a brick or rock in their car or anything like that. Not only that but I'm pretty sure either of those would go right through the window, this hit my window and shattered it, but it didn't break through. I'm also convinced a beer bottle would have gone through. It was something that hit the corner of my window with enough force to make it shatter, yet left no damage to my knowledge on my trunk.
They drove off, and sadly I didn't get a license plate number, just a vehicle, driver, and passenger description. What on earth is wrong with people???
They do something idiotic, I do my best to warn that they're about to harm me, and they get pissed off and try to kill me by shooting at me (likely...). I really hope the police catch them. I'm in that area a lot so let me just say if I EVER see that car again, and I will know who it is, I will be getting a license plate and turning it into police and pressing charges for vandalism and destruction of personal property as well as seek the cost of the repair for my window, as well as gas it cost my dad to have to drive down here to Kentucky to help me out and drive back, and drive me to and from work today.
I'm just very thankful to God that I'm ok! I wasn't injured at all, and because I was standing still I didn't wreck my car. I'm also thankful for very loving kind parents who are helping me out with the cost of repairing the back window (about $350...). It just baffles me how people get that screwed up that they think it's acceptable to act like that! Makes me thankful they DIDN'T hit me... if they really did shoot my window, I have no doubt they would have pulled a gun on me.... IF they had stopped. I wouldn't put it past them to hit someone, then shoot at them and take off.
People like that deserve to have their license revoked forever and locked up for awhile for misuse of a firearm!!!
Anyways not much else is new, just still kinda miffed about that. Really inconvenienced me and my family, but I guess I should just let the anger go and focus on my blessings!
~ Kat
I'm sitting in the inner left turn lane, with a left turn lane to my left and a straight lane to my right. This jerk was in the straight lane, and drove by me and did something that shattered my back window! I'm pretty sure they shot at me, b/c it's highly unlikely they had a brick or rock in their car or anything like that. Not only that but I'm pretty sure either of those would go right through the window, this hit my window and shattered it, but it didn't break through. I'm also convinced a beer bottle would have gone through. It was something that hit the corner of my window with enough force to make it shatter, yet left no damage to my knowledge on my trunk.
They drove off, and sadly I didn't get a license plate number, just a vehicle, driver, and passenger description. What on earth is wrong with people???
They do something idiotic, I do my best to warn that they're about to harm me, and they get pissed off and try to kill me by shooting at me (likely...). I really hope the police catch them. I'm in that area a lot so let me just say if I EVER see that car again, and I will know who it is, I will be getting a license plate and turning it into police and pressing charges for vandalism and destruction of personal property as well as seek the cost of the repair for my window, as well as gas it cost my dad to have to drive down here to Kentucky to help me out and drive back, and drive me to and from work today.
I'm just very thankful to God that I'm ok! I wasn't injured at all, and because I was standing still I didn't wreck my car. I'm also thankful for very loving kind parents who are helping me out with the cost of repairing the back window (about $350...). It just baffles me how people get that screwed up that they think it's acceptable to act like that! Makes me thankful they DIDN'T hit me... if they really did shoot my window, I have no doubt they would have pulled a gun on me.... IF they had stopped. I wouldn't put it past them to hit someone, then shoot at them and take off.
People like that deserve to have their license revoked forever and locked up for awhile for misuse of a firearm!!!
Anyways not much else is new, just still kinda miffed about that. Really inconvenienced me and my family, but I guess I should just let the anger go and focus on my blessings!
~ Kat
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Who am I, really?
To better understand where I'm at, it's recommended you read my last blog...
In the process of bettering myself, it takes getting to know myself... really know myself, how I view myself, who I think I am personality wise, why I am how I am, what I want to change, and how I need to go about doing it...
I've suspected for awhile now I'm bi-polar. I've not been officially diagnosed by my doctor yet, as the doctor I saw on Tuesday was not my regular doctor, but I don't see him til next month, and didn't want to wait that long to get the help I know I need.
The reasons I think I'm bi-polar are simple... I feel out of control of my life, I do stupid stuff and mean stuff for no explainable reason, and most times without any thought. It just happens... I feel so much like I have an inner devil or evil twin, and I scare myself honestly. I snap over the slightest things and don't know why. I don't like being mean, I really don't. I strive to be a nice person but most the times I feel like I'm just not. It's gotten so much worse over time that now I have at least one person, M, who is currently not speaking to me (and may never speak to me again) who views me as a mean person... a psycho bitch. He'd never call me that b/c he's too nice, but I know that's pretty much how he views me. A crazy mean person who keeps hurting him and snaps over the dumbest stuff.
After talking to the doctor and doing some research, both of us have come to the conclusion it's very likely I have bi-polar manic disorder. For time's sake I'm not going to get into what that means, but summed up it means inexplicable drastic frequent mood changes... you know, going from being very happy to very mean almost instantly, and feeling out of control of matters.
There's more to it than that... look it up on WebMD or I'll post about it after work...
I'm on a sample of medicine that is supposed to calm me down and help balance out my moods more. I took it once, it seemed to help, but kinda gave me a headache so not sure how I feel about that.
All I know is I want to be a better person. I want to be the nice person I know I can be sometimes.
So with that I'm going to eat lunch... just wanted to mention what's going on, and I'll probably post more later. I really need prayers though, b/c if I do have bi-polar manic disorder, I need to find a medicine that won't give me weird side effects, and I have to somehow tell my parents about it... and that's going to be hard.
More later.
In the process of bettering myself, it takes getting to know myself... really know myself, how I view myself, who I think I am personality wise, why I am how I am, what I want to change, and how I need to go about doing it...
I've suspected for awhile now I'm bi-polar. I've not been officially diagnosed by my doctor yet, as the doctor I saw on Tuesday was not my regular doctor, but I don't see him til next month, and didn't want to wait that long to get the help I know I need.
The reasons I think I'm bi-polar are simple... I feel out of control of my life, I do stupid stuff and mean stuff for no explainable reason, and most times without any thought. It just happens... I feel so much like I have an inner devil or evil twin, and I scare myself honestly. I snap over the slightest things and don't know why. I don't like being mean, I really don't. I strive to be a nice person but most the times I feel like I'm just not. It's gotten so much worse over time that now I have at least one person, M, who is currently not speaking to me (and may never speak to me again) who views me as a mean person... a psycho bitch. He'd never call me that b/c he's too nice, but I know that's pretty much how he views me. A crazy mean person who keeps hurting him and snaps over the dumbest stuff.
After talking to the doctor and doing some research, both of us have come to the conclusion it's very likely I have bi-polar manic disorder. For time's sake I'm not going to get into what that means, but summed up it means inexplicable drastic frequent mood changes... you know, going from being very happy to very mean almost instantly, and feeling out of control of matters.
There's more to it than that... look it up on WebMD or I'll post about it after work...
I'm on a sample of medicine that is supposed to calm me down and help balance out my moods more. I took it once, it seemed to help, but kinda gave me a headache so not sure how I feel about that.
All I know is I want to be a better person. I want to be the nice person I know I can be sometimes.
So with that I'm going to eat lunch... just wanted to mention what's going on, and I'll probably post more later. I really need prayers though, b/c if I do have bi-polar manic disorder, I need to find a medicine that won't give me weird side effects, and I have to somehow tell my parents about it... and that's going to be hard.
More later.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend.
Evilness is a horrible horrible thing and when you let it consume you it will instantly destroy relationships with those around you.
I was so consumed with fury about my ex bringing his crush to the movies he invited me to, knowing I wasn't over him and hurting bc he was over me. I swore when she rejected him I wouldn't be there for him or show any pity for him. After all, he didn't care that I was hurting.
Well last night the devil in me took over. I asked about how things were going with the girl, knowing full well she had no interest in him. I wanted to throw it in his face. I wanted him to taste karma. He hurt me, rejected me for a girl that was similar to me, particularly in appearance...
As I suspected, nothing became of him and her. My devil rejoiced. I threw it in his face yet tried to claim I was a bit sympathetic to him being rejected. I told him now maybe you'll know how I felt, to really like someone and get ZERO return interest.
What the hell is wrong with me? Since when did I wish ill of others? He was very hurt that I did that and pretty sure now he hates me.
He blocked me on Facebook and refuses to talk to me. I doubt he will ever talk to me again. And it's all my fault....
How did I get so mean? What's wrong with me? I'm a horrible person and can't control me. I need help but I fear I'm way beyond help.
I was so sure he did that on purpose, to kick me when I was down, but he swears he didn't. I don't understand it at all. Do we really know each other that little that he didn't think it would hurt me, that I'd just be strong and mature enough to handle that? It hurt so bad. Can't say I'm over the hurt. In my eyes that was hitting below the belt.
What's worse is I have no reason not to believe him when he says he didn't do it to intentionally hurt me. So why don't I believe him?? I think I'm just so used to this crap happening from guys when he did it I'm like oh of course. I don't get it though, why would he do that if not to be cruel? I don't think he understood I'd been avoiding the reality of him being over me for four years, bc I'd dated another guy. I don't think he believed I loved him and wasn't over him.
So I threw his pain in his face, I broke his already broken heart.... Others have been hurting him lately too he said, doing the same shit I did... Making him feel like nothing, no one, just a worthless piece of junk that belongs in the junk yard.
I don't know what the hell my problem is that I'm so mean but it kills me. Why do I delight in the torment of others til they leave me bc I'm a bitch and then I go oh shit I really screwed up, shouldn't have done that.
I feel worthless now. I know I'm an idiot and anyone who tries to tell me otherwise please tell me how I'm not an idiot doing these things.
I thought I was over the hurts of my past but I'm thinking deep down inside I'm really not. If I was I'd be able to trust him, and know he isn't like that.
I don't know what hurts him more, the fact that I stabbed him in the heart and rejoiced at him being rejected, or the fact that after 4 and a half years of knowing him I still don't trust him or believe in him that he wouldn't do that to me, despite having shown how much he cares about me (or in this case, did care about me...)
I should go talk to someone, a counselor, a Christian counselor. I know someone I wanna talk to but honestly it scares the hell out of me, the thought of opening up to her and allowing myself to be that vulnerable and see what a horrible person I am.
Why do I fear rejection so DAMN much??? Right now I can't stop crying I'm that hurt. Honestly I hate myself. I hate who I am and I hate the mask I wear trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't wanna be like this, but I don't know how or even if I can change. I want so bad to believe I can change but fear and doubt have me believing otherwise.
It's not just him I'm mean to, either, it's everyone. I'm just a horrible mean psycho, Jekyll and Hyde. Oww minute I'm sweet the next I'm a monster. I'm starting to think I have bi-polar but not sure. I'm also terrified that's just an excuse I made up to try and explain my problem. I don't want to believe I can just take a pill and it'll make me better. I'm scared that if I go that route it won't change anything.
What if I go that route and it changes nothing? Then what? I get the dosage upped, I get my medicine changed, I get put on multiple medications....
I don't know what's wrong with me. All I know is I hate myself. I hate who I am, I hate what I do. I hate that who I am is someone that causes others to hate me. I want to get better, but not sure what route to take. Self help book? On what topic? Bi-polar disease? Should I seek counseling and see if someone can help me figure out why I'm a psycho bitch, and how to stop being one? Should I talk to my doctor and get tested for bi-polar disease? Or should I just keep on trucking, trying to fix things on my own?
I want help, I want to get better, but how do you get help when you don't know what you need? Doesn't knowing what you need require knowing the root of the problem? Not just knowing what the problem is but knowing what causes the problem? I know I'm a psycho bitch, but I don't know why.... Or is the point of seeking help to find out what's causing the problem AND how to fix it?
No wonder he ran away from me. I don't blame him. I doubt he will ever talk to me again. He has tried to help me for four years and it's done no good, why would he keep wasting his time on someone who has proven she hates him? Actions speak louder than words.... It's the thought that counts.... I say I care about him and say he's a great guy but what do I prove to him through my thoughts and actions? I prove I hate him.
This isn't who God created. He doesn't create mean spiteful psycho bitches. He creates nice people and leaves us on our own with a survival guide, and we throw it away, ignore it, try to run our own lives, and turn ourselves into psycho bitches. We hold on to bitterness, we hold on to those wrongdoings, we hold on to the pain of the past and use it as an excuse for why we act out, why we don't trust someone, and worst of all, we use it as a weapon to hurt those closest to us.
How do we stop?? If someone can tell me, advise me on how to get off this horrible evil ride, please do. I want to get off. I don't want to - and can't - keep doing this anymore.
He told me we would always be friends so I wanna believe he will come back in time. He stopped talking to me for a month back in 2007 when we broke up bc I hurt him so much, but he came back. Now I picture him asking himself why he did that... I want to believe he will come back. I want to believe in time he will miss me and talk to Mew again but I doubt that it's going to happen. I have abused him and hurt him since the beginning. Why would he miss me and come back? I've given him nothing TO miss. A few fun times together and a few fun memories don't come close to outweighing four and a half years of hell. It's horrible, the only times I can think of that I wasn't a bitch to him are the day we met, the day last year when he made spaghetti at his new place, and new year's eve/day this year when I was sick as a dog. I'm sure there are more but I can't think of them bc it's rare I'm nice to him. That's it. Three days between 2/23/07 and 10/17/11... Three days out of almost four years and nine months. Three days between the day I met him and the day he said I can't play your psycho games anymore, and walked out of my life probably for the last time.
I want him to come back. I keep telling him I'm sorry, I want to prove to him how much I care, I wanna be that great person he wants me to be, that sweet loving person I wanna be. I wanna be an asset to his life. Yet I have yet to prove to him I know how to do that.
I don't know his past, what kind of girls he dated, how they treated him, etc., but somehow I can't help thinking out of all of them, I was the worst. I'm the one he regrets dating the most.
Sometimes I wonder if he wishes he had never met me. I don't know. Thank God he has never said that bc it's really mean but yeah I wonder if he wishes that.
I'd like to think he looks at me and thinks, the rare times she's nice, she is a great girl. She has so much potential, if only she could learn to stay calm and trust me and not label me as an asshole every time I make a mistake or she thinks I make a mistake.
I don't know though. I think after four and a half years I'm past the "having potential" point. I think he has finally given up on me, and I don't blame him.
I don't know anything anymore. I don't know him. I don't know how he thinks, why he acts how he does. I don't even know myself, how I think, why I act how I do. All I know right now are four things:
1. I'm an idiot.
2. I'm a psycho bitch.
3. He's gone, it hurts, and it's all my fault.
4. Somehow God still loves me and doesn't think I'm a failure.
If it weren't for #4 I'd have no hope. I'd have no reason to get up and keep going and keep trying to be who I'm meant to be, be who God made me to be.
So here begins yet another attempt to become the nice person I pretend to be, hopefully this time I will be successful.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Tired of corporate BS
I have never been one to play games at work.... meaning slack off and let your co-worker(s) pick up your workload, and then claim credit for and get paid for work you didn't do. I was raised better than that. My dad is a hard worker, my mom is a hard worker. They raised me and my brother to be hard workers and actually work at work. Every job I've had though, with the exception of when I worked for this company last year during the holiday season, I've had to deal with the same corporate BS... co-workers who learn quickly you're a very hard worker. You bust your butt at work and do what you're supposed to do, do it right, and do it on time. They decide then to get by doing as little work as possible knowing you'll pick up the slack.
I work in a warehouse for an online retail website doing janitorial work. This is defined as the following:
Clean the bathrooms (all 6 of them), clean the breakrooms, clean the offices, clean the security turnstyles, maintain the water coolers throughout the warehouse, switch out gaylords (giant cardboard boxes containing used cardboard and trash) throughout the warehouse, and compact trash and cardboard. Put simply clean what needs to be cleaned, and maintain the cleanliness.
When I first started at the beginning of September, It was just me and my co-worker G. She's older, in her 40's, with 3 high-school aged kids... too old to be slacking! I didn't have any problems though with her slacking. It was just me and her, plenty of work to keep us both busy throughout the day. Slacking on either of our parts meant management wouldn't be happy because what has to be done daily wouldn't get done.
However, about 3 weeks ago, maybe 4, J started. Not sure how old she is, doesn't matter, IMO if you're old enough to have a job and earn a paycheck you're too old to slack. As soon as she started, G and J decided to slack off together and dump the majority of the work on me.
I've tolerated it but this week, G has pushed me past toleration. Time to flip the tables. Yesterday she straight up lied about doing the water coolers, yet tried to claim credit for doing them. JA (different than J) and I made sure management found out. JA doesn't play games either, and doesn't tolerate immature games.
In addition to that, G and J claimed to mop the breakroom despite not doing it. Why lie about doing something you didn't do?? Someone is going to find out you didn't do it and you'll get in trouble.
Oh, did I mention both G and J want to talk about me behind my back and try and make me out to be a slacker? UM, NO!!! Today, however, G took it to a whole new level of pissing me off by slacking! 8am we start cleaning the front 4 bathrooms... a few minutes before 8am she's nowhere to be found. 7:59 she shows up, I'm annoyed at her showing up last minute but was like "ok well at least she's here to help." She gave me a sly look conveying "have fun cleaning by yourself!" and walked off to the break rooms to go outside and smoke a cigarette (which you're not supposed to do if you're not on break), leaving me to clean the entire women's bathroom by myself. She showed up just to mop... so while she was mopping I flipped the tables, snuck out of the bathrooms and went to switch out gaylords.
Seriously, I'm done playing games. I have enough crap to do at work today without having to pick up the slack of TWO OTHERS!!!! The tables have been turned. I am not doing the jobs they are supposed to be doing anymore. If they don't do them, they won't get done, and if management asks why they didn't get done, I'll tell them because G and J didn't do them. Management knows I work HARD around here. They know I don't goof off, I'm always doing something.
Seriously, G? You have 3 high-schoolers. You are WAY too old to be playing games. What kind of example are you setting? I know it's rude but I can't imagine what condition her house must be kept in considering how she won't even clean at work!
Like I said, tables have turned. I'm done playing games. I will do my job and my job only. You can either work with me to get the combined workload done quicker, or you can slack off and I'll do my share of the work (IE as much as I can get done in one day) and anything else that doesn't get done will be your fault.
Grow up, k? I don't play the corporate bs childish games. Never have, never will. I'm better than that. I like EARNING my paycheck. It feels good getting my paycheck knowing I worked hard for my money! =)
~ Kat
I work in a warehouse for an online retail website doing janitorial work. This is defined as the following:
Clean the bathrooms (all 6 of them), clean the breakrooms, clean the offices, clean the security turnstyles, maintain the water coolers throughout the warehouse, switch out gaylords (giant cardboard boxes containing used cardboard and trash) throughout the warehouse, and compact trash and cardboard. Put simply clean what needs to be cleaned, and maintain the cleanliness.
When I first started at the beginning of September, It was just me and my co-worker G. She's older, in her 40's, with 3 high-school aged kids... too old to be slacking! I didn't have any problems though with her slacking. It was just me and her, plenty of work to keep us both busy throughout the day. Slacking on either of our parts meant management wouldn't be happy because what has to be done daily wouldn't get done.
However, about 3 weeks ago, maybe 4, J started. Not sure how old she is, doesn't matter, IMO if you're old enough to have a job and earn a paycheck you're too old to slack. As soon as she started, G and J decided to slack off together and dump the majority of the work on me.
I've tolerated it but this week, G has pushed me past toleration. Time to flip the tables. Yesterday she straight up lied about doing the water coolers, yet tried to claim credit for doing them. JA (different than J) and I made sure management found out. JA doesn't play games either, and doesn't tolerate immature games.
In addition to that, G and J claimed to mop the breakroom despite not doing it. Why lie about doing something you didn't do?? Someone is going to find out you didn't do it and you'll get in trouble.
Oh, did I mention both G and J want to talk about me behind my back and try and make me out to be a slacker? UM, NO!!! Today, however, G took it to a whole new level of pissing me off by slacking! 8am we start cleaning the front 4 bathrooms... a few minutes before 8am she's nowhere to be found. 7:59 she shows up, I'm annoyed at her showing up last minute but was like "ok well at least she's here to help." She gave me a sly look conveying "have fun cleaning by yourself!" and walked off to the break rooms to go outside and smoke a cigarette (which you're not supposed to do if you're not on break), leaving me to clean the entire women's bathroom by myself. She showed up just to mop... so while she was mopping I flipped the tables, snuck out of the bathrooms and went to switch out gaylords.
Seriously, I'm done playing games. I have enough crap to do at work today without having to pick up the slack of TWO OTHERS!!!! The tables have been turned. I am not doing the jobs they are supposed to be doing anymore. If they don't do them, they won't get done, and if management asks why they didn't get done, I'll tell them because G and J didn't do them. Management knows I work HARD around here. They know I don't goof off, I'm always doing something.
Seriously, G? You have 3 high-schoolers. You are WAY too old to be playing games. What kind of example are you setting? I know it's rude but I can't imagine what condition her house must be kept in considering how she won't even clean at work!
Like I said, tables have turned. I'm done playing games. I will do my job and my job only. You can either work with me to get the combined workload done quicker, or you can slack off and I'll do my share of the work (IE as much as I can get done in one day) and anything else that doesn't get done will be your fault.
Grow up, k? I don't play the corporate bs childish games. Never have, never will. I'm better than that. I like EARNING my paycheck. It feels good getting my paycheck knowing I worked hard for my money! =)
~ Kat
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