So if you're friends with me on Facebook, you know by now my now-ex cheated on me.... not physically, but emotionally. We were together off and on for 4.5 years.... We had our share of problems, and one of my big ones was trust. He cheated emotionally with me twice early on in the relationship and I stupidly didn't end things there. I don't know why, as I've been through this before... once a cheater, always a cheater... Well I stupidly forgave him and gave him another shot... twice... but I have struggled to trust him since then. Well, since June I just hadn't felt as connected to him as usual, and I didn't know why. I just felt, betrayed, lonely, unloved... He blamed me, saying I was pulling away from him and his attempts at affection...
I'm NOT a huge PDA person. I don't mind holding hands, but beyond that, I'm just not into it... He'd always want to grab me and hold me and kiss me in the store or something or whenever I was busy. If I was trying to find something in the store, he'd make a move. If I was trying to cook, he'd make a move... then wonder why I was "pulling away".... he had terrible timing.
Well recently I was at his house waiting for him to get ready. I decided to use his computer to log on and check my Facebook, as I'm a photographer and at the time was making plans with two clients.... so I open up his internet browser, and there, right in front of my face, is a chat conversation on his Facebook between him and another girl named Sarah. Funny, he'd never mentioned a Sarah to me as one of his friends.... I start reading....
I discover they've exchanged over 11,000 messages since mid-June. That's more than I've exchanged with my super social best friend!!!!! I keep on reading.... I go back to July.... she tells him no less than a dozen times a day she misses him and wants to meet him (they've never met).... he says he misses her, too. She says it's just not fair how two people who feel so strongly about each other just can't seem to meet up (she's states away) and he said he feels the same way.... o.O
My heart sinks. I gotta know more, though...
I read more....
She's mentioned moving here locally and moving in with him.... He's not opposed to the idea!!! She wants to share a bed with him to "save space" O.O wow.... really??? He just says "heh" to that....
He's turned to her after every fight he and I have had recently, telling her how mean I was and stuff. She says I'm a controlling bitch that's only going to hurt him and he needs to forget me and move on... He says he knows he does, but doesn't want to hurt me....
I've talked to both of them. They deny any wrong-doing. Said they're just friends, they didn't mean anything by what they've said...
um.... really?? o.O I don't go around telling my guy friends I miss them, want to meet up with them, wanna move in and share a bed with them!!!! T-R-A-M-P!!!!! That's what's running through my mind!!!!
Now he is blaming me for his cheating. Said I withdrew from him, and he and she just got talking as friends and she's a good listener, he never meant for me to find out, but there's nothing going on, and I'm just being insanely jealous.
Umm... this is coming from the same guy who is super jealous over my ex boyfriend that I barely speak to. He and I USED to be really close friends, and it made him super insanely jealous. He even accused me of cheating with my ex, despite us both saying nothing was going on, we're just really good friends. I NEVER told that guy that I missed him, wanted to see him, etc. I never bad mouthed my then boyfriend to him, and expected him to tell me to ditch the loser.... That's why I have a best friend lol....
This girl apparently gives him what I don't... lots of happiness. He's said he loves her, she's said the same... yet they both deny cheating.... right b/c it's perfectly acceptable to tell a friend of the opposite sex you love and miss them when you have a SO....
He does one of two things..... either tries to justify his actions (it didn't mean anything) or blames me (well you were acting really distant, or, you hurt me every time you said you wanted to break up), and then wants to tell me he loves me. No, he doesn't. I am just so upset and stressed.
He keeps saying he wants me to forgive him... for WHAT???? For something you CHOSE to do, deliberately, without thinking about consequences? For lying to me for four years? For shattering my heart and my trust?? While you continue to justify your wrong doing, and worse - blame me???
If it's my fault, why are you asking me to forgive you?? Idiot.
Dumb guys go and do crap like this yet whine about us not trusting them. WELL..... this is why!!!! We've been lied to, broken, hurt, and let down so many times, we have nothing TO trust in. We have NO PROOF that next time will be different. We hope and pray, but we struggle to actually trust and believe bc we know the routine all too well....
He wants to apologize, yet blame me... he's just sorry he got caught....
So I want to move on, but it's just not that easy. I go from being mad at him to being hurt =/
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Rants
So, first let me say this... this is my blog. I created it as a way to express my thoughts and feelings and relieve stress. You are welcome to comment, but be respectful.
I've not blogged in a long time.... so update on my life.
I was laid off in February from the job I had then (not posting the company name on here). I know I shouldn't be, but honestly, I'm still a bit bitter about it 4 months later. I was the hardest working employee in my department, and with several people having been laid off in the week or two leading up to me getting laid off, I had more work to do. I went from doing my job and picking up the slack of one lazy co-worker on Wednesdays, to doing the job of 3 others besides me (at that point I decided I was no longer going to pick up for the slack of the lazy one, if she didn't do what she was supposed to do, it wouldn't get done and it wouldn't be on me.). So the company calls me at 8am on my second of three off days, wakes me up, and tells me "hey, listen, we're letting you go. There's not enough work for you. Sorry." I wake up devastated, crying my eyes out going WTF?!?!?!?! NOT ENOUGH WORK??? YOU JERKS!!!!! I'M BUSTING MY @$$ OFF AT WORK 10 HOURS A DAY PRAYING I CAN GET EVERYTHING DONE THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE BY THE END OF THE WEEK AND YOU KNOW THIS AND YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME NOT ENOUGH WORK FOR ME?????
So yea. Still rather bitter about that.
In other news, the guy that was my best guy friend walked out of my life. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but you know my situation; how I was raised - with little/no encouragement to follow my dreams, etc.; what guys have put me through; how it affects me; all that I'm going through right now... I've never been a patient person, and all of the previous mentioned things just make me shorter on patience right now.
Since November, if not before then, he gave me almost no indication that he cared. When we saw each other and when we didn't were two different things. He was all sweet and polite when we saw each other, but the rest of the time ignored me, took no interest in my life (even less than he ever had....), etc. I would tell him what I was going through. He'd offer no sympathy. He wouldn't ask me how I was doing from time to time, what was new in my life, etc.... yet wanted me to care about what was going on in his life despite never telling me what was going on in his life....
So whatever. He needs to grow up and accept the fact I'm not perfect. I know I have areas I need to work on, and I'm doing the best I can, but my life is pretty messed up right now and it's hard to keep it all together and not fall apart, lose my temper, lose control of my emotions. I've tried repeatedly to make amends, give him space, and nothing's working. He wants me to believe that if I give him space, one day he'll wake up and start caring about me and we'll be great friends again, even though he's never cared that much about me. It was a fake friendship all along, it just took til now to discover that.
Then there's my most recent ex. I gave it my best shot. 3-4 years of my best shot. Nothing's changing, the relationship was stuck, not moving forward. I'm an active person, and he's well, far from it. He, like the boyfriend before him, is more content to stay inside, sit on the couch, watch a movie, maybe play a game. I have nothing against a movie or game now and then.... great for rainy days, cold days, nights, things like that.... but I am an active person. I like to get out and go have fun. Go for walks with or without the dog, go to a park and play on the playground, swing on swings, wear myself out so I come home and sleep really well. He decided he's going to start complaining about me being active and tell me it's a bad thing and I need to meet him halfway. Ummmm what??? I have been.... 1/3 of the time we hang out, it's going to church or the store and back, and just having a chat in the car. 1/3 of the time we hang out, we stay in and watch tv, a movie, or play a board game or Wii. The other 1/3 of the time we hang out, I want to go out, enjoy the sun and planet God created, and have FUN. It's SUMMER. Why stay inside??
On top of that, he doesn't have a car or a job. Now... those things don't bother me, as I don't have a car or job either... but.... he's making no effort to look for a job. He's playing some Bubble adventure game and Farmville all day on Facebook. His brother is paying for him to have internet through the end of September, gave him copies of coding languages to learn to increase his skills and get a job. He's using the internet that his brother is paying for to play games on Facebook all day!!!! I've told him over and over to get his priorities straight, and he just complains. Meanwhile it's MY money that's being used to run him to the store and to his parents and stuff..... (oh, and he complained about me asking for gas money when he did have money....)
Also, I spent about $125 on his birthday.... $100 for a Kings Island gold pass, $20 for lunch at Steak N Shake, and $5 on a card and candy bar for him.... He complains b/c he never got the birthday dinner I promised him. I said I was going to take him to Quaker Steak and Lube for birthday dinner, but being unemployed, that ended up not working out b/c of the cost and gas to get there.... I spent $125 on him, including a yummy lunch, and he had the audacity to complain that I never did drop another $50-60 on "birthday dinner." REALLY?!?!?!?! Wow.... Meanwhile he has no money and wouldn't be able to afford to get me anything for my birthday, let alone spend $125....
So I'm single again, and gonna just take my time looking. I need someone who has his priorities straight, his life together, and can keep up with me. I'm high energy, and I need a high energy man.
So that's what's new in my life.... there's a lot more depressing stuff going on, too, but not gonna get into that... so just keep me in your prayers as I continue on this insane roller coaster called LIFE.
♥, Kat
I've not blogged in a long time.... so update on my life.
I was laid off in February from the job I had then (not posting the company name on here). I know I shouldn't be, but honestly, I'm still a bit bitter about it 4 months later. I was the hardest working employee in my department, and with several people having been laid off in the week or two leading up to me getting laid off, I had more work to do. I went from doing my job and picking up the slack of one lazy co-worker on Wednesdays, to doing the job of 3 others besides me (at that point I decided I was no longer going to pick up for the slack of the lazy one, if she didn't do what she was supposed to do, it wouldn't get done and it wouldn't be on me.). So the company calls me at 8am on my second of three off days, wakes me up, and tells me "hey, listen, we're letting you go. There's not enough work for you. Sorry." I wake up devastated, crying my eyes out going WTF?!?!?!?! NOT ENOUGH WORK??? YOU JERKS!!!!! I'M BUSTING MY @$$ OFF AT WORK 10 HOURS A DAY PRAYING I CAN GET EVERYTHING DONE THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE BY THE END OF THE WEEK AND YOU KNOW THIS AND YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME NOT ENOUGH WORK FOR ME?????
So yea. Still rather bitter about that.
In other news, the guy that was my best guy friend walked out of my life. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but you know my situation; how I was raised - with little/no encouragement to follow my dreams, etc.; what guys have put me through; how it affects me; all that I'm going through right now... I've never been a patient person, and all of the previous mentioned things just make me shorter on patience right now.
Since November, if not before then, he gave me almost no indication that he cared. When we saw each other and when we didn't were two different things. He was all sweet and polite when we saw each other, but the rest of the time ignored me, took no interest in my life (even less than he ever had....), etc. I would tell him what I was going through. He'd offer no sympathy. He wouldn't ask me how I was doing from time to time, what was new in my life, etc.... yet wanted me to care about what was going on in his life despite never telling me what was going on in his life....
So whatever. He needs to grow up and accept the fact I'm not perfect. I know I have areas I need to work on, and I'm doing the best I can, but my life is pretty messed up right now and it's hard to keep it all together and not fall apart, lose my temper, lose control of my emotions. I've tried repeatedly to make amends, give him space, and nothing's working. He wants me to believe that if I give him space, one day he'll wake up and start caring about me and we'll be great friends again, even though he's never cared that much about me. It was a fake friendship all along, it just took til now to discover that.
Then there's my most recent ex. I gave it my best shot. 3-4 years of my best shot. Nothing's changing, the relationship was stuck, not moving forward. I'm an active person, and he's well, far from it. He, like the boyfriend before him, is more content to stay inside, sit on the couch, watch a movie, maybe play a game. I have nothing against a movie or game now and then.... great for rainy days, cold days, nights, things like that.... but I am an active person. I like to get out and go have fun. Go for walks with or without the dog, go to a park and play on the playground, swing on swings, wear myself out so I come home and sleep really well. He decided he's going to start complaining about me being active and tell me it's a bad thing and I need to meet him halfway. Ummmm what??? I have been.... 1/3 of the time we hang out, it's going to church or the store and back, and just having a chat in the car. 1/3 of the time we hang out, we stay in and watch tv, a movie, or play a board game or Wii. The other 1/3 of the time we hang out, I want to go out, enjoy the sun and planet God created, and have FUN. It's SUMMER. Why stay inside??
On top of that, he doesn't have a car or a job. Now... those things don't bother me, as I don't have a car or job either... but.... he's making no effort to look for a job. He's playing some Bubble adventure game and Farmville all day on Facebook. His brother is paying for him to have internet through the end of September, gave him copies of coding languages to learn to increase his skills and get a job. He's using the internet that his brother is paying for to play games on Facebook all day!!!! I've told him over and over to get his priorities straight, and he just complains. Meanwhile it's MY money that's being used to run him to the store and to his parents and stuff..... (oh, and he complained about me asking for gas money when he did have money....)
Also, I spent about $125 on his birthday.... $100 for a Kings Island gold pass, $20 for lunch at Steak N Shake, and $5 on a card and candy bar for him.... He complains b/c he never got the birthday dinner I promised him. I said I was going to take him to Quaker Steak and Lube for birthday dinner, but being unemployed, that ended up not working out b/c of the cost and gas to get there.... I spent $125 on him, including a yummy lunch, and he had the audacity to complain that I never did drop another $50-60 on "birthday dinner." REALLY?!?!?!?! Wow.... Meanwhile he has no money and wouldn't be able to afford to get me anything for my birthday, let alone spend $125....
So I'm single again, and gonna just take my time looking. I need someone who has his priorities straight, his life together, and can keep up with me. I'm high energy, and I need a high energy man.
So that's what's new in my life.... there's a lot more depressing stuff going on, too, but not gonna get into that... so just keep me in your prayers as I continue on this insane roller coaster called LIFE.
♥, Kat
Friday, March 2, 2012
to a certain someone
This blog is directed just at a certain someone, to save super long emails trying to clear stuff up. I promised not to mention this person's name, but they know it's about them.
To you:
We've had our ups and downs throughout the 5 years we've known each other (wow, can't believe it's been that long!) but yet you've chosen to keep coming back and be my friend. I don't understand why, perhaps never will, but that doesn't matter. I'm just thankful that you still believe in me (some) and keep trying to help me become a better person. Again, not sure why after how I've treated you, but that doesn't matter.
Now this is the part that is hard to deal with, but I need to bring it up.... I don't like being shut out. Let me clarify what I mean just so you know. I'm not asking to be involved in every aspect of your life. I'm not asking to know everything that goes on. I know you're not an open book, and I understand and accept that. However, you mentioned that you have a "shelf" that you choose to put stuff on that you want the world to know. However, you shut me out of at least 90% of that too, and it hurts. The one part of the shelf where you put the most stuff, you have shut me out COMPLETELY from. The other part of the shelf that I'm not shut out from, you put one or two things there a week.
Look sir (and I say that with respect). I know I have hurt you. I have hurt you so very bad, worse than I ever thought was possible to hurt someone. I don't think you understand though how it's hurt me. Sir, I never wanted to hurt you. NEVER EVER. I loved you. I don't know if you believe me, or if you believed me when I did love you. I know I was terrible at showing it, and you don't know how badly I want to change EVERYTHING. There's stuff I can't even tell you. There is absolutely no way on Earth to tell you how I feel about everything, what I'm thinking and feeling about the current situation. As far as I know you've never treated anyone as horribly as I've treated you, so you can't ever understand. I just wish I'd known then what I know now.
I wish I had known then that you are a man, not a little boy who plays games.
I wish I had known then that you weren't going to lie to me, cheat on me, neglect me, or abuse me.
I wish I had known then that you have been hurt, a lot. I can only think perhaps I'd have tried as hard then as I am now to treat you right.
I know you're not an open book, but maybe if I'd known then how bad you'd been hurt (not specifics, just having known) things would have been different. I don't fault you for that, though. That's just who you are, and regardless of whether or not someone has been hurt before, or chooses to disclose that information, is no reason or excuse not to treat them right. For this I have much regret.
Sir, I understand everything now. I really do. To the best of my knowledge I understand. I know I've said I'm sorry before but that was then this is now. Sir, my world CHANGED on November 10th, 2011. I still praise God for sparing my life that day. Often times I look at the pictures of my car, reflect on what happened, and think I should have DIED, and I am reminded no, I shouldn't have, because if I should have, I would have. God has me here for a reason, and it made me realize how fragile life is. Although I wasn't SERIOUSLY hurt in the car wreck, I was moderately injured to the point I was almost completely immobilized for about a week.
I want to be a better person, sir. I believe in myself, I know I can be a better person and that's why since that wreck I have been trying hard to do just that - be a better person.... yeah, you've heard it before. Yeah, I screwed up AGAIN after that date - twice, I guess... I don't have much recollection of that time period for a reason. I don't want to. November 2011 was the worst month of my life, ever.
Getting to the point...
I understand you're not an open book.
I respect that you're not an open book.
I'm not asking you to become an open book.
All I am asking is that you STOP SHUTTING ME OUT SO MUCH. Please. I know you're hurting, and I am so so sorry sir. I want so much to take it all back, more than you know. I know you don't trust me much - if at all... (or so I'm guessing). I know my apologies don't take away the hurt. I wish they did though.
We used to be such close friends, sir. I miss that so much. I really do. You have NO IDEA how hurt I am by my own actions. I killed our close friendship, and then stomped and stabbed it more.
I can't make you give me a chance, but I am asking this. Stop shutting me out so much. Please. You told me I can get to know you by the things you put out on your shelf... but again, minimum 90% of that you have shut me off completely from. I'm at my wit's end, sir. What am I supposed to do? The only way for me to get what I want, which is that close friendship back, the one where we hang out and talk and laugh and have fun, is to prove that I'm nice enough to hang out with, that I'm worth your time, that I'm not going to hurt you. The only way I can prove that is if you let me back in.
I'm not saying let me back in all the way, but right now I feel shut off. You take no interest in my life 99% of the time, and it hurts bad. You say you care, ok you care about me but what about what I'm into? My dreams? My accomplishments? What I'm doing with my life, what I'm TRYING to do with my life?
Ok so you know a lot of my likes, but do you know why I like those things? What I want to do regarding those things? Nope. You don't. You never ask. That's where my "you don't care" remarks come from.
I'm not saying devote every second of your time to me, please don't think that.
I'm just saying right now I feel stuck. I can't move forward, don't want to move backwards, but hate where our "friendship" is at.
I'd love answers to these questions, yet you won't ever even answer my questions! You ignore all my texts, emails, etc. When I do see you, you still shut me out and barely acknowledge me. How does this make us friends, sir? Please tell me I want to know. I am trying so hard to get on the same page, but I need you to work with me. I need to know what what you want me to do. Give it time, and hope it'll get better? Ok I can do that I guess... but time won't fix things if the choices don't get fixed.
Sir, you once gave me a great bit of advice, and remind me of it every time I screw up and lash out in fear.
Whenever I tell you my actions are bc of how I was treated by guys in the past, you tell me get over my past. Move on, let it go, don't focus on it. I told you it's not that easy not to let your past hurts define your current and future actions. Do you understand now what I mean? The past hurts I have caused you define your current and future actions towards me, and that hurts.
I'm NOT saying let down your guard, go back to how things were, etc. I'm saying please, try a little harder not to judge me on my past. I hurt enough from it. I wish I could show you and make you understand fully how I feel, but I can't, I can only ask you to trust me.
Would you please stop shutting me out so much? Work with me, help me understand how I can get to know you, what you need from me, etc. Give me a little bit of your trust, as you can see from Facebook I've worked very hard to behave and prove to you I can be nice and you can trust me not to hurt you.
I'll email you the questions again along with a link to this, and I ask that you read it asap, and talk to me so we can figure something out, b/c I need something. I can't keep going in circles trying hard to get to know you, each time being shut out. I can't keep doing it. If you want to keep me shut out, then it's going to be impossible to be true friends. So please, will you work with me, sir? It's been a rough 5 years, but I promise you now if you work with me these next 5 years will be fantastic. Forget the past, sir. This is NOW.
I know I hurt you, but I've apologized. Let go of the hurt please and stop hurting me with it by shutting me out. Telling me we're friends but taking almost no interest in my life, and shutting me out of your life as much as possible, that just is not my definition of friends. Please understand I mean this with all my heart. I never meant it to be this way. I don't know how I got so mean, but I am determined to never again go back there. I'm working very hard to understand you better and respect that, and I know that'll help a lot. It's very hard since I'm so outgoing, but I've made it one month, I know I can keep it up....
Sincerely,
Kat
To you:
We've had our ups and downs throughout the 5 years we've known each other (wow, can't believe it's been that long!) but yet you've chosen to keep coming back and be my friend. I don't understand why, perhaps never will, but that doesn't matter. I'm just thankful that you still believe in me (some) and keep trying to help me become a better person. Again, not sure why after how I've treated you, but that doesn't matter.
Now this is the part that is hard to deal with, but I need to bring it up.... I don't like being shut out. Let me clarify what I mean just so you know. I'm not asking to be involved in every aspect of your life. I'm not asking to know everything that goes on. I know you're not an open book, and I understand and accept that. However, you mentioned that you have a "shelf" that you choose to put stuff on that you want the world to know. However, you shut me out of at least 90% of that too, and it hurts. The one part of the shelf where you put the most stuff, you have shut me out COMPLETELY from. The other part of the shelf that I'm not shut out from, you put one or two things there a week.
Look sir (and I say that with respect). I know I have hurt you. I have hurt you so very bad, worse than I ever thought was possible to hurt someone. I don't think you understand though how it's hurt me. Sir, I never wanted to hurt you. NEVER EVER. I loved you. I don't know if you believe me, or if you believed me when I did love you. I know I was terrible at showing it, and you don't know how badly I want to change EVERYTHING. There's stuff I can't even tell you. There is absolutely no way on Earth to tell you how I feel about everything, what I'm thinking and feeling about the current situation. As far as I know you've never treated anyone as horribly as I've treated you, so you can't ever understand. I just wish I'd known then what I know now.
I wish I had known then that you are a man, not a little boy who plays games.
I wish I had known then that you weren't going to lie to me, cheat on me, neglect me, or abuse me.
I wish I had known then that you have been hurt, a lot. I can only think perhaps I'd have tried as hard then as I am now to treat you right.
I know you're not an open book, but maybe if I'd known then how bad you'd been hurt (not specifics, just having known) things would have been different. I don't fault you for that, though. That's just who you are, and regardless of whether or not someone has been hurt before, or chooses to disclose that information, is no reason or excuse not to treat them right. For this I have much regret.
Sir, I understand everything now. I really do. To the best of my knowledge I understand. I know I've said I'm sorry before but that was then this is now. Sir, my world CHANGED on November 10th, 2011. I still praise God for sparing my life that day. Often times I look at the pictures of my car, reflect on what happened, and think I should have DIED, and I am reminded no, I shouldn't have, because if I should have, I would have. God has me here for a reason, and it made me realize how fragile life is. Although I wasn't SERIOUSLY hurt in the car wreck, I was moderately injured to the point I was almost completely immobilized for about a week.
I want to be a better person, sir. I believe in myself, I know I can be a better person and that's why since that wreck I have been trying hard to do just that - be a better person.... yeah, you've heard it before. Yeah, I screwed up AGAIN after that date - twice, I guess... I don't have much recollection of that time period for a reason. I don't want to. November 2011 was the worst month of my life, ever.
Getting to the point...
I understand you're not an open book.
I respect that you're not an open book.
I'm not asking you to become an open book.
All I am asking is that you STOP SHUTTING ME OUT SO MUCH. Please. I know you're hurting, and I am so so sorry sir. I want so much to take it all back, more than you know. I know you don't trust me much - if at all... (or so I'm guessing). I know my apologies don't take away the hurt. I wish they did though.
We used to be such close friends, sir. I miss that so much. I really do. You have NO IDEA how hurt I am by my own actions. I killed our close friendship, and then stomped and stabbed it more.
I can't make you give me a chance, but I am asking this. Stop shutting me out so much. Please. You told me I can get to know you by the things you put out on your shelf... but again, minimum 90% of that you have shut me off completely from. I'm at my wit's end, sir. What am I supposed to do? The only way for me to get what I want, which is that close friendship back, the one where we hang out and talk and laugh and have fun, is to prove that I'm nice enough to hang out with, that I'm worth your time, that I'm not going to hurt you. The only way I can prove that is if you let me back in.
I'm not saying let me back in all the way, but right now I feel shut off. You take no interest in my life 99% of the time, and it hurts bad. You say you care, ok you care about me but what about what I'm into? My dreams? My accomplishments? What I'm doing with my life, what I'm TRYING to do with my life?
Ok so you know a lot of my likes, but do you know why I like those things? What I want to do regarding those things? Nope. You don't. You never ask. That's where my "you don't care" remarks come from.
I'm not saying devote every second of your time to me, please don't think that.
I'm just saying right now I feel stuck. I can't move forward, don't want to move backwards, but hate where our "friendship" is at.
I'd love answers to these questions, yet you won't ever even answer my questions! You ignore all my texts, emails, etc. When I do see you, you still shut me out and barely acknowledge me. How does this make us friends, sir? Please tell me I want to know. I am trying so hard to get on the same page, but I need you to work with me. I need to know what what you want me to do. Give it time, and hope it'll get better? Ok I can do that I guess... but time won't fix things if the choices don't get fixed.
Sir, you once gave me a great bit of advice, and remind me of it every time I screw up and lash out in fear.
Whenever I tell you my actions are bc of how I was treated by guys in the past, you tell me get over my past. Move on, let it go, don't focus on it. I told you it's not that easy not to let your past hurts define your current and future actions. Do you understand now what I mean? The past hurts I have caused you define your current and future actions towards me, and that hurts.
I'm NOT saying let down your guard, go back to how things were, etc. I'm saying please, try a little harder not to judge me on my past. I hurt enough from it. I wish I could show you and make you understand fully how I feel, but I can't, I can only ask you to trust me.
Would you please stop shutting me out so much? Work with me, help me understand how I can get to know you, what you need from me, etc. Give me a little bit of your trust, as you can see from Facebook I've worked very hard to behave and prove to you I can be nice and you can trust me not to hurt you.
I'll email you the questions again along with a link to this, and I ask that you read it asap, and talk to me so we can figure something out, b/c I need something. I can't keep going in circles trying hard to get to know you, each time being shut out. I can't keep doing it. If you want to keep me shut out, then it's going to be impossible to be true friends. So please, will you work with me, sir? It's been a rough 5 years, but I promise you now if you work with me these next 5 years will be fantastic. Forget the past, sir. This is NOW.
I know I hurt you, but I've apologized. Let go of the hurt please and stop hurting me with it by shutting me out. Telling me we're friends but taking almost no interest in my life, and shutting me out of your life as much as possible, that just is not my definition of friends. Please understand I mean this with all my heart. I never meant it to be this way. I don't know how I got so mean, but I am determined to never again go back there. I'm working very hard to understand you better and respect that, and I know that'll help a lot. It's very hard since I'm so outgoing, but I've made it one month, I know I can keep it up....
Sincerely,
Kat
Thursday, December 8, 2011
life and more questions...
so I posted a few blog entries ago about problems I was having with M. I'm pretty sure in my last post I mentioned that he and I really weren't talking. Well I saw him on Tuesday for the first time in about a month, and for the first time since our huge fight that led us both very hurt, angry, and not speaking to each other.... I was very nervous as far as how it was gonna go. All I wanted is for us to be on good terms and not feel like we hated each other or had to be fake friendly to each other. I wasn't going to say anything to him right away, since I wasn't sure if he wanted to speak to me or anything, but when he saw me he greeted me with a friendly hey! and it didn't feel fake.
I still have a lot of questions about what happened, why he said and did what he did that I want answers to but I know better than to bring it up with him... it'll just cause more problems. At this point, after general discussion about the situation, we have written it off as just we were both very stressed, each dealing with a lot of crap, and more or less took it out on each other. He was glad that I wanted to be on friendly terms, and not feel like we hated each other or had to be fake friendly. I told him I don't like being fake friendly, and he said that's a good thing, nor did he.
At the end of the night I asked if we were cool now, and he said yes. Neither of us have apologized for our wrongdoings and honestly I don't see a point to it, as long as we're forgiving the other and dropping the situation. I did apologize for saying I hated him, and that I was really angry at the moment and at that moment did hate him...
So I guess we're starting our friendship over and I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, we've been friends for so long I can't easily just give up on him b/c I do care a lot about him. He's been there for me through some of my toughest times, and overall proven he cares about me (though still not sure how much, to what extent, but I suppose some is better than none...) but on the other hand, what he said about me still hurts and really broke my trust in him. I feel like I've just put myself through so much of his verbal abuse and belittling, that on Tuesday I found myself still expecting more of the same when I told him I cried about my car (I was expecting to be called overly emotional or a wuss or something). After what he said about me I'm left wondering how much of his supposed friendly teasing me really was just teasing, vs what he actually thinks of me.
I used to think he cared about me and thought I was smart, but now honestly I'm not so sure. What's worse is yeah I could ask him, but if he answers me (which he usually doesn't) I don't know if I could believe his answer....
So, I don't know if I'm making a mistake or not, but I still care about him, and to me that's motivation to give things another chance, and just trust God on the situation.
I still have a lot of questions about what happened, why he said and did what he did that I want answers to but I know better than to bring it up with him... it'll just cause more problems. At this point, after general discussion about the situation, we have written it off as just we were both very stressed, each dealing with a lot of crap, and more or less took it out on each other. He was glad that I wanted to be on friendly terms, and not feel like we hated each other or had to be fake friendly. I told him I don't like being fake friendly, and he said that's a good thing, nor did he.
At the end of the night I asked if we were cool now, and he said yes. Neither of us have apologized for our wrongdoings and honestly I don't see a point to it, as long as we're forgiving the other and dropping the situation. I did apologize for saying I hated him, and that I was really angry at the moment and at that moment did hate him...
So I guess we're starting our friendship over and I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, we've been friends for so long I can't easily just give up on him b/c I do care a lot about him. He's been there for me through some of my toughest times, and overall proven he cares about me (though still not sure how much, to what extent, but I suppose some is better than none...) but on the other hand, what he said about me still hurts and really broke my trust in him. I feel like I've just put myself through so much of his verbal abuse and belittling, that on Tuesday I found myself still expecting more of the same when I told him I cried about my car (I was expecting to be called overly emotional or a wuss or something). After what he said about me I'm left wondering how much of his supposed friendly teasing me really was just teasing, vs what he actually thinks of me.
I used to think he cared about me and thought I was smart, but now honestly I'm not so sure. What's worse is yeah I could ask him, but if he answers me (which he usually doesn't) I don't know if I could believe his answer....
So, I don't know if I'm making a mistake or not, but I still care about him, and to me that's motivation to give things another chance, and just trust God on the situation.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
why is life so hard and stressful??
I've not blogged in awhile b/c I've had just so much going on. I don't even really remember what I mentioned in my last blog, but in case I didn't mention it, M and I had a huge falling out and are right now not really friends or talking. It sucks so bad b/c stupidly I still care about him. I say stupidly b/c lately he hasn't exactly treated me very nice, and what led to our falling out was he said something very very hurtful about me, and said it on Facebook. he didn't mention my name but I knew it was about me as did several of his friends who had seen the comment I made that led to him saying the very hurtful thing about me. I don't know why he did it, and I forgive him but it still hurts. I thought I knew him so well, and then he goes and says that about me. I thought he cared, then he said that, and now I'm left wondering what does he really think about me?? I'd like to know, and perhaps when he's ready to talk to me he can tell me the truth. I thought he cared and always thought he believed in me and thought I was smart but lately as I've reflected on my friendship with him I've noticed that every fight is the same... I'm the one to blame (so he says), he's innocent (so he says) and I'm the one with all the problems that need to be fixed (so he says). I look at the fights and go sure I screwed up and made some mistakes and need improvement in some areas of my life and need to fix some things, but so does he... I just wish he'd admit it. I think he knows, but perhaps thinks he'll be less of a man or human if he admits that. No... you're human, we mess up, it's ok, just learn from your mistakes... So yeah, I miss him, and it sucks b/c I don't know if I even should miss him. I suppose only time will tell.
The second week of November was so hard on me. He and I had that fight on the 8th, and then two days later I got in a terrible car wreck, and totaled my car... I wanted so bad to just call him and tell him what happened and ask him to please pray for me, b/c he's always been there for me when I've had a crappy time in life, to calm me down, pray for me, and help me focus on the positive and just be there for me.... and suddenly, when I needed him to be there for me, needed my comfort friend, he wasn't there, so that made things hard.
I was on my way to work, and at the intersection of the street I need to turn left onto to get to work, I was in the left turn lane, and the light turned yellow. I thought in my head I could make it. I looked ahead and honestly I saw no one close to me. I didn't see anyone and thought anyone that would be coming would be stopping for the light, b/c it'd be red by the time they got to the intersection. I start to turn, and then I see a black SUV right next to my car. Too close to my car. It was too late to correct my car's position, it was too late for him to have time to move. I was struck almost head on by a black Dodge Durango that was going somewhere between 40 and 45mph. I was going about 5mph. So impact was between 45 and 50mph. I remember nothing after that. I was knocked unconscious, not sure for how long. Not very long, a few minutes though. I have no idea how my body was impacted in the collision. I don't remember any of that. I came to, in a big fog, knowing I'd been in a wreck, knowing I'd been hit hard. I was so out of it, it took me a few minutes to realize I was injured and in a moderate amount of pain, and that my airbag went off. I just remember repeatedly checking my left side view mirror, looking back to see if the other car stopped. I saw him stopped. I checked again. I did this three or four times, trying to make sure I wasn't seeing things, trying to make sure the other vehicle stopped. I don't know why I did that at all. My guess is that my mind knew I was injured and needed help. I realized then my airbag went off, and started checking to make sure I wasn't bleeding, as my friend's brother was in a very similar wreck about a year ago and the airbag cut up his face quite a bit. It didn't fully register in my head that the other driver had stopped until he came over to my car to check on me, and b/c it hadn't registered that they had stopped, it scared me when I saw him. I didn't realize I was injured at the time. I was hurting but b/c I was able to walk I thought I was uninjured. I even told the police so when they arrived, despite complaining of shoulder, neck and back pain.
I had planned to go to the ER after the scene was cleaned up, I had planned to have my dad take me, as my car was totaled so I wasn't going to drive anywhere. Due to my complaints of pain in my neck and back they talked me into having the paramedics come out and check me out and take me to the ER. I was so out of it I agreed. I pray I never go through that again. They weren't very nice as I recall, they were kind of harsh sounding. I was placed in a neck brace, strapped to the back board, put on the stretcher in the ambulance and taken away. I was in so much pain, my back hurt so bad being on that board and I was so tired and wanted to sleep but I couldn't. I had to stay awake so they knew I was conscious and ok. A few hours later and about a dozen x-rays later I was sent home with the diagnosis of no broken bones (praise God!) but severe whiplash and bruising. It's amazing how much pain the body can endure. I was in a lot of pain the next several days, heck, for about a week.... Especially my nose and forehead from hitting the airbag. Almost 3 weeks later I'm still recovering from my injuries. My nose and forehead are ok now but my back and neck still hurt, so I'm going to the chiropractor 2x a week to be treated for those injuries. Work was very hard the week after my wreck, as I was so sore and could hardly move.
So now begins the stressful and emotional task of getting a new car. It's very hard as my credit is bad, so no one wants to put me in a car without either a co-signer on the loan or minimum $1500 down. I have a friend though whose husband works at a local Chevy dealership though, and his friend at the Chevy dealership around the corner from where he works pulled some strings for me and is doing me a huge favor and said if I can come up with $500 I can get a car. I really hope this is true! So dad and I are going to go out there probably tomorrow night to look at our options, but I don't get paid til Friday so I won't be able to get a car until Friday night he said. It sucks b/c I need to return my rental car today.
That's about it, that's an update on my life... My stress level has been through the roof, I can't even imagine how high my blood pressure must be... good thing I'm not prone to blood pressure problems and therefore don't monitor it... oh and my slacker co-workers on Friday made my life hell. I really dislike them. I'm not playing their games this week, though. I have enough work of my own to do without having to do theirs as well like I have been the whole time I've worked here... so starting this week, I am doing ONLY the work I have to do, which is plenty to keep me busy all week, and not any of theirs. It's not fair at all. I will do my work and my work only, not theirs, and if they don't do what they are supposed to be doing, then it just won't get done, and if the managers get ticked off about stuff not being done (the stuff they're supposed to do) then it's going to be on my slacker co-workers, not me. It's too stressful and strenuous to take on all their work in addition to mine, while they just stand around being lazy running their darn mouths. They need to grow up lol.
Well, that's it for now. I'd appreciate the prayers of those who read this, as I'm struggling in my faith right now, struggling to understand why God allowed this to happen to me, and how on earth this is best for me... It's very hard, I don't understand at all, but still trying to trust Him.
~ Kat
The second week of November was so hard on me. He and I had that fight on the 8th, and then two days later I got in a terrible car wreck, and totaled my car... I wanted so bad to just call him and tell him what happened and ask him to please pray for me, b/c he's always been there for me when I've had a crappy time in life, to calm me down, pray for me, and help me focus on the positive and just be there for me.... and suddenly, when I needed him to be there for me, needed my comfort friend, he wasn't there, so that made things hard.
I was on my way to work, and at the intersection of the street I need to turn left onto to get to work, I was in the left turn lane, and the light turned yellow. I thought in my head I could make it. I looked ahead and honestly I saw no one close to me. I didn't see anyone and thought anyone that would be coming would be stopping for the light, b/c it'd be red by the time they got to the intersection. I start to turn, and then I see a black SUV right next to my car. Too close to my car. It was too late to correct my car's position, it was too late for him to have time to move. I was struck almost head on by a black Dodge Durango that was going somewhere between 40 and 45mph. I was going about 5mph. So impact was between 45 and 50mph. I remember nothing after that. I was knocked unconscious, not sure for how long. Not very long, a few minutes though. I have no idea how my body was impacted in the collision. I don't remember any of that. I came to, in a big fog, knowing I'd been in a wreck, knowing I'd been hit hard. I was so out of it, it took me a few minutes to realize I was injured and in a moderate amount of pain, and that my airbag went off. I just remember repeatedly checking my left side view mirror, looking back to see if the other car stopped. I saw him stopped. I checked again. I did this three or four times, trying to make sure I wasn't seeing things, trying to make sure the other vehicle stopped. I don't know why I did that at all. My guess is that my mind knew I was injured and needed help. I realized then my airbag went off, and started checking to make sure I wasn't bleeding, as my friend's brother was in a very similar wreck about a year ago and the airbag cut up his face quite a bit. It didn't fully register in my head that the other driver had stopped until he came over to my car to check on me, and b/c it hadn't registered that they had stopped, it scared me when I saw him. I didn't realize I was injured at the time. I was hurting but b/c I was able to walk I thought I was uninjured. I even told the police so when they arrived, despite complaining of shoulder, neck and back pain.
I had planned to go to the ER after the scene was cleaned up, I had planned to have my dad take me, as my car was totaled so I wasn't going to drive anywhere. Due to my complaints of pain in my neck and back they talked me into having the paramedics come out and check me out and take me to the ER. I was so out of it I agreed. I pray I never go through that again. They weren't very nice as I recall, they were kind of harsh sounding. I was placed in a neck brace, strapped to the back board, put on the stretcher in the ambulance and taken away. I was in so much pain, my back hurt so bad being on that board and I was so tired and wanted to sleep but I couldn't. I had to stay awake so they knew I was conscious and ok. A few hours later and about a dozen x-rays later I was sent home with the diagnosis of no broken bones (praise God!) but severe whiplash and bruising. It's amazing how much pain the body can endure. I was in a lot of pain the next several days, heck, for about a week.... Especially my nose and forehead from hitting the airbag. Almost 3 weeks later I'm still recovering from my injuries. My nose and forehead are ok now but my back and neck still hurt, so I'm going to the chiropractor 2x a week to be treated for those injuries. Work was very hard the week after my wreck, as I was so sore and could hardly move.
So now begins the stressful and emotional task of getting a new car. It's very hard as my credit is bad, so no one wants to put me in a car without either a co-signer on the loan or minimum $1500 down. I have a friend though whose husband works at a local Chevy dealership though, and his friend at the Chevy dealership around the corner from where he works pulled some strings for me and is doing me a huge favor and said if I can come up with $500 I can get a car. I really hope this is true! So dad and I are going to go out there probably tomorrow night to look at our options, but I don't get paid til Friday so I won't be able to get a car until Friday night he said. It sucks b/c I need to return my rental car today.
That's about it, that's an update on my life... My stress level has been through the roof, I can't even imagine how high my blood pressure must be... good thing I'm not prone to blood pressure problems and therefore don't monitor it... oh and my slacker co-workers on Friday made my life hell. I really dislike them. I'm not playing their games this week, though. I have enough work of my own to do without having to do theirs as well like I have been the whole time I've worked here... so starting this week, I am doing ONLY the work I have to do, which is plenty to keep me busy all week, and not any of theirs. It's not fair at all. I will do my work and my work only, not theirs, and if they don't do what they are supposed to be doing, then it just won't get done, and if the managers get ticked off about stuff not being done (the stuff they're supposed to do) then it's going to be on my slacker co-workers, not me. It's too stressful and strenuous to take on all their work in addition to mine, while they just stand around being lazy running their darn mouths. They need to grow up lol.
Well, that's it for now. I'd appreciate the prayers of those who read this, as I'm struggling in my faith right now, struggling to understand why God allowed this to happen to me, and how on earth this is best for me... It's very hard, I don't understand at all, but still trying to trust Him.
~ Kat
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I thought this time would be different
He finally unblocked me on Facebook. He was talking to me some, didn't seem to hate me. Yet the signs were obvious that he really had no desire to have anything to do with me, it seems he wants to be something I don't want to be. Distant Facebook friends.... you know, those friends you have on Facebook but never really talk to...
I am just so upset and confused. Is it me or is it him?? I have tried for more than 4.5 years to be a good friend to him. I failed miserably at being his girlfriend, yet we cared enough about each other 4 years ago to try and be friends, something I'd never done with an ex boyfriend... I don't know how to be friends with an ex boyfriend (or really guys period) and he's just kinda making it more clear that I fail at that too.
I've tried so many things I can think of. Being nice to him, doing him favors b/c I know he likes it when ppl do him nice favors, take an interest in superhero stuff (some of which is fascinating, some of which is so over my head), I don't know. I just don't know anymore. NOTHING has worked.
I'm realizing now what complete opposites we are, and how we have pretty much no basis for a friendship, and the more I try to connect to his world and take interest in things he likes (despite him taking NO INTEREST AT ALL in things I like) the more he acts like he wants nothing to do with me.
Um I know I hurt you a few weeks ago, but I apologized and said I wanted to make things right. When you unblocked me I assumed you were willing to work with me and make things right, only to be snapped at today for being impatient when honestly I don't know what the heck I did!!! The impatient comment came after I sent him a message asking him to explain his side for Ohio Issue 2 (ie why he is voting the way he is). Well right about the same time I sent him the message, one of his friends commented on his status asking him the same thing - please explain yourself. I think the comment was posted a little before I sent the message, but well after I started typing the message. When I type messages on Facebook, I ignore notifications b/c it's easier just to check them later than highlight one, right click, open in new tab, read, and try to refocus on what I was saying in the message.
Well because of this, he responds with "first, you have to realize I'm at work and can't respond to everything lickety split. second, the link I posted didn't say anything about anyone lying" ... ok I checked replies to his status, no link. I'm thinking now he meant the one he posted last night. Ok that's completely one sided, as is the similar website for the other side of the issue. It simply says "you should vote this way because..." it's not a neutral website that gives facts on both sides of the issue and encourages you to vote on what you now know. It says here's both sides, makes a compelling argument for their side, and says vote yes! That's not what I'm looking for.
I respond back, "woah... what was that about? perhaps you sent me a message that I didn't get? perhaps you responded with a comment that I didn't see? I know you're at work, I wasn't expecting an immediate reply... and what link? I sent this message right about the same time your friend posted on your status asking you to explain your position...
perhaps that didn't occur to you? *shrugs* just chill... not a fan of false assumptions any more than you are =/ on my end? I sent you this message THEN checked notifications and saw that your friend had asked you to explain yourself. It was not at all a matter of me hounding you.... if you'd checked time stamps maybe you woulda seen that. I don't type THAT fast, and had I known he was going to ask what I wanted to know I wouldn't have sent you the message.
But instead you just ASSUMED that b/c I've had a bad habit in the past of being very impatient waiting for responses therefore that must be what I'm doing again... rather than think that perhaps I started typing this message before he commented and rather than losing what I typed by checking what the response to your status was I chose to finish typing and send the message only then to realize two people asked the same thing at the same time....
and, there's no way to unsend a message...
*is honestly hurt that you assumed falsely based on my past screw ups* I don't feel like you have any faith in me anymore... *sighs*"
I just feel like he views me as a failure, a screw up, an annoying ditzy blonde. I feel like he judges me so much on past mistakes. He completely misunderstood the situation and then just assumes b/c I keep asking for the same info I'm being impatient. No if he had actually read what I was saying he'd have seen that I was looking for a middle-of-the-road information source on Issue 2. Not a one-sided "here's the facts but we strongly encourage you to vote this way" site. Sites like those tend to post unaccurate information about the other side of the issue just to do their best to persuade you to vote the way they're promoting.
I just give up. I am so tired of this fight. Nothing I do is right in his eyes, everything I do to him is just smothering and stuff. He wants his space fine he can have his space. I've done all I can do, I've told him how I feel, that I'm trying all I know how to try and feel like I'm failing.... now I guess I just sit back and wait. If I say nothing to him for a long time what will he do? Sometimes I feel like he cares about me but most times I feel like he doesn't... I feel like he cares when he wants to and that's it. He's never asked me ANYTHING about my interests.... never asked why I love penguins so much, why I am so interested in photography, how's my job going, etc.
He takes no interest in my life ever (unless it's business related) yet gets upset with me when I take interest in his life and tells me I'm not giving him any space, etc. How much space do you want?? I want and need you to take an interest in my life outside of business, since you say you care about me more than just a downline.... so please, prove it. I know you're dealing with stuff, but seriously, I've TOLD YOU what I'm dealing with. Have you ever once asked how I'm feeling, how I'm doing, how I'm coping with my recent diagnosis? Nope, not even once. Not. Even. Once.
The point of likes and comments on Facebook, is so that your friends can like and comment on stuff you post and you can see who you have the most similar interests with, b/c you are more likely wanting to talk to those people more than those who have almost no similar interests as you....
I need you to work with me on this, not against me! If you don't want me to like and comment on stuff you post that I agree with, then keep me blocked, or change your settings to friends only can comment/like your posts and unfriend me. I guess I'll just keep my mouth shut from now on since you don't care what I think and don't seem to want to hear what I think.... You know I want to be friends, but I feel like I've done all I can to try and be your friend and gotten nowhere, so if you want to be friends with me, please! Make me feel like it! Help me understand what you want from me, but I will tell you one thing right now. I am not ok with being distant friends with you - distant acquaintances - the kind of friend acquaintances that never really talk to each other but when we see each other we're all buddy buddy, b/c to me that's being fake, pretending to be really good buddies when we aren't.... I know it will take awhile (if ever) before we get back to being the close friends we once were.... and I'm ok with that. I'm not expecting things to just be how they were immediately b/c I know they're not.
We need to talk, that's all I gotta say. If you are unwilling to meet with me 1-on-1 somewhere, grab a cheap but tasty sandwich somewhere, and get on the same page, then that tells me what I need to know....
I just can't keep doing this one person friendship thing anymore. Either you're with me or against me and if you're with me, show me! When are you gonna start seeing things from my end??
I thought this time would be different... but maybe I thought wrong.
~ Kat
I am just so upset and confused. Is it me or is it him?? I have tried for more than 4.5 years to be a good friend to him. I failed miserably at being his girlfriend, yet we cared enough about each other 4 years ago to try and be friends, something I'd never done with an ex boyfriend... I don't know how to be friends with an ex boyfriend (or really guys period) and he's just kinda making it more clear that I fail at that too.
I've tried so many things I can think of. Being nice to him, doing him favors b/c I know he likes it when ppl do him nice favors, take an interest in superhero stuff (some of which is fascinating, some of which is so over my head), I don't know. I just don't know anymore. NOTHING has worked.
I'm realizing now what complete opposites we are, and how we have pretty much no basis for a friendship, and the more I try to connect to his world and take interest in things he likes (despite him taking NO INTEREST AT ALL in things I like) the more he acts like he wants nothing to do with me.
Um I know I hurt you a few weeks ago, but I apologized and said I wanted to make things right. When you unblocked me I assumed you were willing to work with me and make things right, only to be snapped at today for being impatient when honestly I don't know what the heck I did!!! The impatient comment came after I sent him a message asking him to explain his side for Ohio Issue 2 (ie why he is voting the way he is). Well right about the same time I sent him the message, one of his friends commented on his status asking him the same thing - please explain yourself. I think the comment was posted a little before I sent the message, but well after I started typing the message. When I type messages on Facebook, I ignore notifications b/c it's easier just to check them later than highlight one, right click, open in new tab, read, and try to refocus on what I was saying in the message.
Well because of this, he responds with "first, you have to realize I'm at work and can't respond to everything lickety split. second, the link I posted didn't say anything about anyone lying" ... ok I checked replies to his status, no link. I'm thinking now he meant the one he posted last night. Ok that's completely one sided, as is the similar website for the other side of the issue. It simply says "you should vote this way because..." it's not a neutral website that gives facts on both sides of the issue and encourages you to vote on what you now know. It says here's both sides, makes a compelling argument for their side, and says vote yes! That's not what I'm looking for.
I respond back, "woah... what was that about? perhaps you sent me a message that I didn't get? perhaps you responded with a comment that I didn't see? I know you're at work, I wasn't expecting an immediate reply... and what link? I sent this message right about the same time your friend posted on your status asking you to explain your position...
perhaps that didn't occur to you? *shrugs* just chill... not a fan of false assumptions any more than you are =/ on my end? I sent you this message THEN checked notifications and saw that your friend had asked you to explain yourself. It was not at all a matter of me hounding you.... if you'd checked time stamps maybe you woulda seen that. I don't type THAT fast, and had I known he was going to ask what I wanted to know I wouldn't have sent you the message.
But instead you just ASSUMED that b/c I've had a bad habit in the past of being very impatient waiting for responses therefore that must be what I'm doing again... rather than think that perhaps I started typing this message before he commented and rather than losing what I typed by checking what the response to your status was I chose to finish typing and send the message only then to realize two people asked the same thing at the same time....
and, there's no way to unsend a message...
*is honestly hurt that you assumed falsely based on my past screw ups* I don't feel like you have any faith in me anymore... *sighs*"
I just feel like he views me as a failure, a screw up, an annoying ditzy blonde. I feel like he judges me so much on past mistakes. He completely misunderstood the situation and then just assumes b/c I keep asking for the same info I'm being impatient. No if he had actually read what I was saying he'd have seen that I was looking for a middle-of-the-road information source on Issue 2. Not a one-sided "here's the facts but we strongly encourage you to vote this way" site. Sites like those tend to post unaccurate information about the other side of the issue just to do their best to persuade you to vote the way they're promoting.
I just give up. I am so tired of this fight. Nothing I do is right in his eyes, everything I do to him is just smothering and stuff. He wants his space fine he can have his space. I've done all I can do, I've told him how I feel, that I'm trying all I know how to try and feel like I'm failing.... now I guess I just sit back and wait. If I say nothing to him for a long time what will he do? Sometimes I feel like he cares about me but most times I feel like he doesn't... I feel like he cares when he wants to and that's it. He's never asked me ANYTHING about my interests.... never asked why I love penguins so much, why I am so interested in photography, how's my job going, etc.
He takes no interest in my life ever (unless it's business related) yet gets upset with me when I take interest in his life and tells me I'm not giving him any space, etc. How much space do you want?? I want and need you to take an interest in my life outside of business, since you say you care about me more than just a downline.... so please, prove it. I know you're dealing with stuff, but seriously, I've TOLD YOU what I'm dealing with. Have you ever once asked how I'm feeling, how I'm doing, how I'm coping with my recent diagnosis? Nope, not even once. Not. Even. Once.
The point of likes and comments on Facebook, is so that your friends can like and comment on stuff you post and you can see who you have the most similar interests with, b/c you are more likely wanting to talk to those people more than those who have almost no similar interests as you....
I need you to work with me on this, not against me! If you don't want me to like and comment on stuff you post that I agree with, then keep me blocked, or change your settings to friends only can comment/like your posts and unfriend me. I guess I'll just keep my mouth shut from now on since you don't care what I think and don't seem to want to hear what I think.... You know I want to be friends, but I feel like I've done all I can to try and be your friend and gotten nowhere, so if you want to be friends with me, please! Make me feel like it! Help me understand what you want from me, but I will tell you one thing right now. I am not ok with being distant friends with you - distant acquaintances - the kind of friend acquaintances that never really talk to each other but when we see each other we're all buddy buddy, b/c to me that's being fake, pretending to be really good buddies when we aren't.... I know it will take awhile (if ever) before we get back to being the close friends we once were.... and I'm ok with that. I'm not expecting things to just be how they were immediately b/c I know they're not.
We need to talk, that's all I gotta say. If you are unwilling to meet with me 1-on-1 somewhere, grab a cheap but tasty sandwich somewhere, and get on the same page, then that tells me what I need to know....
I just can't keep doing this one person friendship thing anymore. Either you're with me or against me and if you're with me, show me! When are you gonna start seeing things from my end??
I thought this time would be different... but maybe I thought wrong.
~ Kat
Saturday, October 22, 2011
what on earth is wrong with people???
Yesterday I was driving to Meijer from work, to deposit my check and get some food to take to work with me. I was on Burlington Pike (KY 18) headed towards Florence. Right before the intersection of KY 18, Hopeful Church, and Houston Road, some dingbat comes flying out of an auto dealership or some business on the left side of the road. They waste almost no time sitting in the center turn lane waiting to get over, and instead decide they want to gun it and try and cut me off. I freaked out b/c they were about to hit me, and I blasted my horn at them. There wasn't even half a car length between me and the car in front of me at the red light. Well, apparently this pissed them off and they gave a whole new meaning to road rage!!
I'm sitting in the inner left turn lane, with a left turn lane to my left and a straight lane to my right. This jerk was in the straight lane, and drove by me and did something that shattered my back window! I'm pretty sure they shot at me, b/c it's highly unlikely they had a brick or rock in their car or anything like that. Not only that but I'm pretty sure either of those would go right through the window, this hit my window and shattered it, but it didn't break through. I'm also convinced a beer bottle would have gone through. It was something that hit the corner of my window with enough force to make it shatter, yet left no damage to my knowledge on my trunk.
They drove off, and sadly I didn't get a license plate number, just a vehicle, driver, and passenger description. What on earth is wrong with people???
They do something idiotic, I do my best to warn that they're about to harm me, and they get pissed off and try to kill me by shooting at me (likely...). I really hope the police catch them. I'm in that area a lot so let me just say if I EVER see that car again, and I will know who it is, I will be getting a license plate and turning it into police and pressing charges for vandalism and destruction of personal property as well as seek the cost of the repair for my window, as well as gas it cost my dad to have to drive down here to Kentucky to help me out and drive back, and drive me to and from work today.
I'm just very thankful to God that I'm ok! I wasn't injured at all, and because I was standing still I didn't wreck my car. I'm also thankful for very loving kind parents who are helping me out with the cost of repairing the back window (about $350...). It just baffles me how people get that screwed up that they think it's acceptable to act like that! Makes me thankful they DIDN'T hit me... if they really did shoot my window, I have no doubt they would have pulled a gun on me.... IF they had stopped. I wouldn't put it past them to hit someone, then shoot at them and take off.
People like that deserve to have their license revoked forever and locked up for awhile for misuse of a firearm!!!
Anyways not much else is new, just still kinda miffed about that. Really inconvenienced me and my family, but I guess I should just let the anger go and focus on my blessings!
~ Kat
I'm sitting in the inner left turn lane, with a left turn lane to my left and a straight lane to my right. This jerk was in the straight lane, and drove by me and did something that shattered my back window! I'm pretty sure they shot at me, b/c it's highly unlikely they had a brick or rock in their car or anything like that. Not only that but I'm pretty sure either of those would go right through the window, this hit my window and shattered it, but it didn't break through. I'm also convinced a beer bottle would have gone through. It was something that hit the corner of my window with enough force to make it shatter, yet left no damage to my knowledge on my trunk.
They drove off, and sadly I didn't get a license plate number, just a vehicle, driver, and passenger description. What on earth is wrong with people???
They do something idiotic, I do my best to warn that they're about to harm me, and they get pissed off and try to kill me by shooting at me (likely...). I really hope the police catch them. I'm in that area a lot so let me just say if I EVER see that car again, and I will know who it is, I will be getting a license plate and turning it into police and pressing charges for vandalism and destruction of personal property as well as seek the cost of the repair for my window, as well as gas it cost my dad to have to drive down here to Kentucky to help me out and drive back, and drive me to and from work today.
I'm just very thankful to God that I'm ok! I wasn't injured at all, and because I was standing still I didn't wreck my car. I'm also thankful for very loving kind parents who are helping me out with the cost of repairing the back window (about $350...). It just baffles me how people get that screwed up that they think it's acceptable to act like that! Makes me thankful they DIDN'T hit me... if they really did shoot my window, I have no doubt they would have pulled a gun on me.... IF they had stopped. I wouldn't put it past them to hit someone, then shoot at them and take off.
People like that deserve to have their license revoked forever and locked up for awhile for misuse of a firearm!!!
Anyways not much else is new, just still kinda miffed about that. Really inconvenienced me and my family, but I guess I should just let the anger go and focus on my blessings!
~ Kat
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Who am I, really?
To better understand where I'm at, it's recommended you read my last blog...
In the process of bettering myself, it takes getting to know myself... really know myself, how I view myself, who I think I am personality wise, why I am how I am, what I want to change, and how I need to go about doing it...
I've suspected for awhile now I'm bi-polar. I've not been officially diagnosed by my doctor yet, as the doctor I saw on Tuesday was not my regular doctor, but I don't see him til next month, and didn't want to wait that long to get the help I know I need.
The reasons I think I'm bi-polar are simple... I feel out of control of my life, I do stupid stuff and mean stuff for no explainable reason, and most times without any thought. It just happens... I feel so much like I have an inner devil or evil twin, and I scare myself honestly. I snap over the slightest things and don't know why. I don't like being mean, I really don't. I strive to be a nice person but most the times I feel like I'm just not. It's gotten so much worse over time that now I have at least one person, M, who is currently not speaking to me (and may never speak to me again) who views me as a mean person... a psycho bitch. He'd never call me that b/c he's too nice, but I know that's pretty much how he views me. A crazy mean person who keeps hurting him and snaps over the dumbest stuff.
After talking to the doctor and doing some research, both of us have come to the conclusion it's very likely I have bi-polar manic disorder. For time's sake I'm not going to get into what that means, but summed up it means inexplicable drastic frequent mood changes... you know, going from being very happy to very mean almost instantly, and feeling out of control of matters.
There's more to it than that... look it up on WebMD or I'll post about it after work...
I'm on a sample of medicine that is supposed to calm me down and help balance out my moods more. I took it once, it seemed to help, but kinda gave me a headache so not sure how I feel about that.
All I know is I want to be a better person. I want to be the nice person I know I can be sometimes.
So with that I'm going to eat lunch... just wanted to mention what's going on, and I'll probably post more later. I really need prayers though, b/c if I do have bi-polar manic disorder, I need to find a medicine that won't give me weird side effects, and I have to somehow tell my parents about it... and that's going to be hard.
More later.
In the process of bettering myself, it takes getting to know myself... really know myself, how I view myself, who I think I am personality wise, why I am how I am, what I want to change, and how I need to go about doing it...
I've suspected for awhile now I'm bi-polar. I've not been officially diagnosed by my doctor yet, as the doctor I saw on Tuesday was not my regular doctor, but I don't see him til next month, and didn't want to wait that long to get the help I know I need.
The reasons I think I'm bi-polar are simple... I feel out of control of my life, I do stupid stuff and mean stuff for no explainable reason, and most times without any thought. It just happens... I feel so much like I have an inner devil or evil twin, and I scare myself honestly. I snap over the slightest things and don't know why. I don't like being mean, I really don't. I strive to be a nice person but most the times I feel like I'm just not. It's gotten so much worse over time that now I have at least one person, M, who is currently not speaking to me (and may never speak to me again) who views me as a mean person... a psycho bitch. He'd never call me that b/c he's too nice, but I know that's pretty much how he views me. A crazy mean person who keeps hurting him and snaps over the dumbest stuff.
After talking to the doctor and doing some research, both of us have come to the conclusion it's very likely I have bi-polar manic disorder. For time's sake I'm not going to get into what that means, but summed up it means inexplicable drastic frequent mood changes... you know, going from being very happy to very mean almost instantly, and feeling out of control of matters.
There's more to it than that... look it up on WebMD or I'll post about it after work...
I'm on a sample of medicine that is supposed to calm me down and help balance out my moods more. I took it once, it seemed to help, but kinda gave me a headache so not sure how I feel about that.
All I know is I want to be a better person. I want to be the nice person I know I can be sometimes.
So with that I'm going to eat lunch... just wanted to mention what's going on, and I'll probably post more later. I really need prayers though, b/c if I do have bi-polar manic disorder, I need to find a medicine that won't give me weird side effects, and I have to somehow tell my parents about it... and that's going to be hard.
More later.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend.
Evilness is a horrible horrible thing and when you let it consume you it will instantly destroy relationships with those around you.
I was so consumed with fury about my ex bringing his crush to the movies he invited me to, knowing I wasn't over him and hurting bc he was over me. I swore when she rejected him I wouldn't be there for him or show any pity for him. After all, he didn't care that I was hurting.
Well last night the devil in me took over. I asked about how things were going with the girl, knowing full well she had no interest in him. I wanted to throw it in his face. I wanted him to taste karma. He hurt me, rejected me for a girl that was similar to me, particularly in appearance...
As I suspected, nothing became of him and her. My devil rejoiced. I threw it in his face yet tried to claim I was a bit sympathetic to him being rejected. I told him now maybe you'll know how I felt, to really like someone and get ZERO return interest.
What the hell is wrong with me? Since when did I wish ill of others? He was very hurt that I did that and pretty sure now he hates me.
He blocked me on Facebook and refuses to talk to me. I doubt he will ever talk to me again. And it's all my fault....
How did I get so mean? What's wrong with me? I'm a horrible person and can't control me. I need help but I fear I'm way beyond help.
I was so sure he did that on purpose, to kick me when I was down, but he swears he didn't. I don't understand it at all. Do we really know each other that little that he didn't think it would hurt me, that I'd just be strong and mature enough to handle that? It hurt so bad. Can't say I'm over the hurt. In my eyes that was hitting below the belt.
What's worse is I have no reason not to believe him when he says he didn't do it to intentionally hurt me. So why don't I believe him?? I think I'm just so used to this crap happening from guys when he did it I'm like oh of course. I don't get it though, why would he do that if not to be cruel? I don't think he understood I'd been avoiding the reality of him being over me for four years, bc I'd dated another guy. I don't think he believed I loved him and wasn't over him.
So I threw his pain in his face, I broke his already broken heart.... Others have been hurting him lately too he said, doing the same shit I did... Making him feel like nothing, no one, just a worthless piece of junk that belongs in the junk yard.
I don't know what the hell my problem is that I'm so mean but it kills me. Why do I delight in the torment of others til they leave me bc I'm a bitch and then I go oh shit I really screwed up, shouldn't have done that.
I feel worthless now. I know I'm an idiot and anyone who tries to tell me otherwise please tell me how I'm not an idiot doing these things.
I thought I was over the hurts of my past but I'm thinking deep down inside I'm really not. If I was I'd be able to trust him, and know he isn't like that.
I don't know what hurts him more, the fact that I stabbed him in the heart and rejoiced at him being rejected, or the fact that after 4 and a half years of knowing him I still don't trust him or believe in him that he wouldn't do that to me, despite having shown how much he cares about me (or in this case, did care about me...)
I should go talk to someone, a counselor, a Christian counselor. I know someone I wanna talk to but honestly it scares the hell out of me, the thought of opening up to her and allowing myself to be that vulnerable and see what a horrible person I am.
Why do I fear rejection so DAMN much??? Right now I can't stop crying I'm that hurt. Honestly I hate myself. I hate who I am and I hate the mask I wear trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't wanna be like this, but I don't know how or even if I can change. I want so bad to believe I can change but fear and doubt have me believing otherwise.
It's not just him I'm mean to, either, it's everyone. I'm just a horrible mean psycho, Jekyll and Hyde. Oww minute I'm sweet the next I'm a monster. I'm starting to think I have bi-polar but not sure. I'm also terrified that's just an excuse I made up to try and explain my problem. I don't want to believe I can just take a pill and it'll make me better. I'm scared that if I go that route it won't change anything.
What if I go that route and it changes nothing? Then what? I get the dosage upped, I get my medicine changed, I get put on multiple medications....
I don't know what's wrong with me. All I know is I hate myself. I hate who I am, I hate what I do. I hate that who I am is someone that causes others to hate me. I want to get better, but not sure what route to take. Self help book? On what topic? Bi-polar disease? Should I seek counseling and see if someone can help me figure out why I'm a psycho bitch, and how to stop being one? Should I talk to my doctor and get tested for bi-polar disease? Or should I just keep on trucking, trying to fix things on my own?
I want help, I want to get better, but how do you get help when you don't know what you need? Doesn't knowing what you need require knowing the root of the problem? Not just knowing what the problem is but knowing what causes the problem? I know I'm a psycho bitch, but I don't know why.... Or is the point of seeking help to find out what's causing the problem AND how to fix it?
No wonder he ran away from me. I don't blame him. I doubt he will ever talk to me again. He has tried to help me for four years and it's done no good, why would he keep wasting his time on someone who has proven she hates him? Actions speak louder than words.... It's the thought that counts.... I say I care about him and say he's a great guy but what do I prove to him through my thoughts and actions? I prove I hate him.
This isn't who God created. He doesn't create mean spiteful psycho bitches. He creates nice people and leaves us on our own with a survival guide, and we throw it away, ignore it, try to run our own lives, and turn ourselves into psycho bitches. We hold on to bitterness, we hold on to those wrongdoings, we hold on to the pain of the past and use it as an excuse for why we act out, why we don't trust someone, and worst of all, we use it as a weapon to hurt those closest to us.
How do we stop?? If someone can tell me, advise me on how to get off this horrible evil ride, please do. I want to get off. I don't want to - and can't - keep doing this anymore.
He told me we would always be friends so I wanna believe he will come back in time. He stopped talking to me for a month back in 2007 when we broke up bc I hurt him so much, but he came back. Now I picture him asking himself why he did that... I want to believe he will come back. I want to believe in time he will miss me and talk to Mew again but I doubt that it's going to happen. I have abused him and hurt him since the beginning. Why would he miss me and come back? I've given him nothing TO miss. A few fun times together and a few fun memories don't come close to outweighing four and a half years of hell. It's horrible, the only times I can think of that I wasn't a bitch to him are the day we met, the day last year when he made spaghetti at his new place, and new year's eve/day this year when I was sick as a dog. I'm sure there are more but I can't think of them bc it's rare I'm nice to him. That's it. Three days between 2/23/07 and 10/17/11... Three days out of almost four years and nine months. Three days between the day I met him and the day he said I can't play your psycho games anymore, and walked out of my life probably for the last time.
I want him to come back. I keep telling him I'm sorry, I want to prove to him how much I care, I wanna be that great person he wants me to be, that sweet loving person I wanna be. I wanna be an asset to his life. Yet I have yet to prove to him I know how to do that.
I don't know his past, what kind of girls he dated, how they treated him, etc., but somehow I can't help thinking out of all of them, I was the worst. I'm the one he regrets dating the most.
Sometimes I wonder if he wishes he had never met me. I don't know. Thank God he has never said that bc it's really mean but yeah I wonder if he wishes that.
I'd like to think he looks at me and thinks, the rare times she's nice, she is a great girl. She has so much potential, if only she could learn to stay calm and trust me and not label me as an asshole every time I make a mistake or she thinks I make a mistake.
I don't know though. I think after four and a half years I'm past the "having potential" point. I think he has finally given up on me, and I don't blame him.
I don't know anything anymore. I don't know him. I don't know how he thinks, why he acts how he does. I don't even know myself, how I think, why I act how I do. All I know right now are four things:
1. I'm an idiot.
2. I'm a psycho bitch.
3. He's gone, it hurts, and it's all my fault.
4. Somehow God still loves me and doesn't think I'm a failure.
If it weren't for #4 I'd have no hope. I'd have no reason to get up and keep going and keep trying to be who I'm meant to be, be who God made me to be.
So here begins yet another attempt to become the nice person I pretend to be, hopefully this time I will be successful.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Tired of corporate BS
I have never been one to play games at work.... meaning slack off and let your co-worker(s) pick up your workload, and then claim credit for and get paid for work you didn't do. I was raised better than that. My dad is a hard worker, my mom is a hard worker. They raised me and my brother to be hard workers and actually work at work. Every job I've had though, with the exception of when I worked for this company last year during the holiday season, I've had to deal with the same corporate BS... co-workers who learn quickly you're a very hard worker. You bust your butt at work and do what you're supposed to do, do it right, and do it on time. They decide then to get by doing as little work as possible knowing you'll pick up the slack.
I work in a warehouse for an online retail website doing janitorial work. This is defined as the following:
Clean the bathrooms (all 6 of them), clean the breakrooms, clean the offices, clean the security turnstyles, maintain the water coolers throughout the warehouse, switch out gaylords (giant cardboard boxes containing used cardboard and trash) throughout the warehouse, and compact trash and cardboard. Put simply clean what needs to be cleaned, and maintain the cleanliness.
When I first started at the beginning of September, It was just me and my co-worker G. She's older, in her 40's, with 3 high-school aged kids... too old to be slacking! I didn't have any problems though with her slacking. It was just me and her, plenty of work to keep us both busy throughout the day. Slacking on either of our parts meant management wouldn't be happy because what has to be done daily wouldn't get done.
However, about 3 weeks ago, maybe 4, J started. Not sure how old she is, doesn't matter, IMO if you're old enough to have a job and earn a paycheck you're too old to slack. As soon as she started, G and J decided to slack off together and dump the majority of the work on me.
I've tolerated it but this week, G has pushed me past toleration. Time to flip the tables. Yesterday she straight up lied about doing the water coolers, yet tried to claim credit for doing them. JA (different than J) and I made sure management found out. JA doesn't play games either, and doesn't tolerate immature games.
In addition to that, G and J claimed to mop the breakroom despite not doing it. Why lie about doing something you didn't do?? Someone is going to find out you didn't do it and you'll get in trouble.
Oh, did I mention both G and J want to talk about me behind my back and try and make me out to be a slacker? UM, NO!!! Today, however, G took it to a whole new level of pissing me off by slacking! 8am we start cleaning the front 4 bathrooms... a few minutes before 8am she's nowhere to be found. 7:59 she shows up, I'm annoyed at her showing up last minute but was like "ok well at least she's here to help." She gave me a sly look conveying "have fun cleaning by yourself!" and walked off to the break rooms to go outside and smoke a cigarette (which you're not supposed to do if you're not on break), leaving me to clean the entire women's bathroom by myself. She showed up just to mop... so while she was mopping I flipped the tables, snuck out of the bathrooms and went to switch out gaylords.
Seriously, I'm done playing games. I have enough crap to do at work today without having to pick up the slack of TWO OTHERS!!!! The tables have been turned. I am not doing the jobs they are supposed to be doing anymore. If they don't do them, they won't get done, and if management asks why they didn't get done, I'll tell them because G and J didn't do them. Management knows I work HARD around here. They know I don't goof off, I'm always doing something.
Seriously, G? You have 3 high-schoolers. You are WAY too old to be playing games. What kind of example are you setting? I know it's rude but I can't imagine what condition her house must be kept in considering how she won't even clean at work!
Like I said, tables have turned. I'm done playing games. I will do my job and my job only. You can either work with me to get the combined workload done quicker, or you can slack off and I'll do my share of the work (IE as much as I can get done in one day) and anything else that doesn't get done will be your fault.
Grow up, k? I don't play the corporate bs childish games. Never have, never will. I'm better than that. I like EARNING my paycheck. It feels good getting my paycheck knowing I worked hard for my money! =)
~ Kat
I work in a warehouse for an online retail website doing janitorial work. This is defined as the following:
Clean the bathrooms (all 6 of them), clean the breakrooms, clean the offices, clean the security turnstyles, maintain the water coolers throughout the warehouse, switch out gaylords (giant cardboard boxes containing used cardboard and trash) throughout the warehouse, and compact trash and cardboard. Put simply clean what needs to be cleaned, and maintain the cleanliness.
When I first started at the beginning of September, It was just me and my co-worker G. She's older, in her 40's, with 3 high-school aged kids... too old to be slacking! I didn't have any problems though with her slacking. It was just me and her, plenty of work to keep us both busy throughout the day. Slacking on either of our parts meant management wouldn't be happy because what has to be done daily wouldn't get done.
However, about 3 weeks ago, maybe 4, J started. Not sure how old she is, doesn't matter, IMO if you're old enough to have a job and earn a paycheck you're too old to slack. As soon as she started, G and J decided to slack off together and dump the majority of the work on me.
I've tolerated it but this week, G has pushed me past toleration. Time to flip the tables. Yesterday she straight up lied about doing the water coolers, yet tried to claim credit for doing them. JA (different than J) and I made sure management found out. JA doesn't play games either, and doesn't tolerate immature games.
In addition to that, G and J claimed to mop the breakroom despite not doing it. Why lie about doing something you didn't do?? Someone is going to find out you didn't do it and you'll get in trouble.
Oh, did I mention both G and J want to talk about me behind my back and try and make me out to be a slacker? UM, NO!!! Today, however, G took it to a whole new level of pissing me off by slacking! 8am we start cleaning the front 4 bathrooms... a few minutes before 8am she's nowhere to be found. 7:59 she shows up, I'm annoyed at her showing up last minute but was like "ok well at least she's here to help." She gave me a sly look conveying "have fun cleaning by yourself!" and walked off to the break rooms to go outside and smoke a cigarette (which you're not supposed to do if you're not on break), leaving me to clean the entire women's bathroom by myself. She showed up just to mop... so while she was mopping I flipped the tables, snuck out of the bathrooms and went to switch out gaylords.
Seriously, I'm done playing games. I have enough crap to do at work today without having to pick up the slack of TWO OTHERS!!!! The tables have been turned. I am not doing the jobs they are supposed to be doing anymore. If they don't do them, they won't get done, and if management asks why they didn't get done, I'll tell them because G and J didn't do them. Management knows I work HARD around here. They know I don't goof off, I'm always doing something.
Seriously, G? You have 3 high-schoolers. You are WAY too old to be playing games. What kind of example are you setting? I know it's rude but I can't imagine what condition her house must be kept in considering how she won't even clean at work!
Like I said, tables have turned. I'm done playing games. I will do my job and my job only. You can either work with me to get the combined workload done quicker, or you can slack off and I'll do my share of the work (IE as much as I can get done in one day) and anything else that doesn't get done will be your fault.
Grow up, k? I don't play the corporate bs childish games. Never have, never will. I'm better than that. I like EARNING my paycheck. It feels good getting my paycheck knowing I worked hard for my money! =)
~ Kat
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I'm over it. him. us. Finally.
I'm moving over from Xanga, so some of this content may not make sense to you all. Long story short, I met a guy in February 2007 that I was convinced was the one for me. I had no trust in men due to being lied to and cheated on in all my previous relationships, so in the long run, he poured his heart into me, treated me like a princess, and over and over I broke his heart and couldn't trust him and lived in fear. Eventually he couldn't take it anymore. I was a mess, and even though I fell in love with him I still had problems trusting him, and because I kept hurting him he didn't feel the same way about me and didn't want to stay in the relationship b/c he thought he'd feel pressured to say something he didn't feel, and wasn't ready to feel - I love you.
At least that's how I remember it.
Anyways I've tried for 4 years to get over him, and just haven't been able to face reality that he moved on. I was convinced it was meant to be. Long story as far as why. If you wanna know just tell me and I'll tell you, it's just too much to get into on here, esp b/c he may read this and hates this topic (though I'm sure he won't b/c he doesn't seem to take tons of interest in my life...)
Anyways... I've been trying to forgive myself for breaking his heart. I spent about a week, depressed, b/c I felt like it was my fault the relationship ended. I felt guilty for breaking his heart.
I made a whole blog post about how do you forgive yourself? (on Xanga). I still don't know the answer to that.
To make things worse, what I thought was going to be a rare awesome 1-on-1 hang out night between me and him seeing a new movie, turned out to be a pretty crappy night that made me more depressed. He brought along a new girl that he likes (oh and woke me up out of a sound sleep to tell me that he was bringing her so deal with it (though he used some polite words for deal with it)...)
I was like ok I'll go only b/c I want to see the movie and don't wanna go alone. I wish I'd gone alone, honestly. He ignored me almost the whole night. He left me and his buddy S to sit together and I guess talk if I wanted someone to talk to, and he knows S and I don't really have anything in common, nothing to talk about at all. In fact S has a girlfriend, so that made things more awkward.
On top of it all, I was SHOCKED to see this girl... this girl who looked remarkably like me but not as pretty.... yeah catty I know but honest... short, skinny, talkative, blue eyed blonde that gets cold easily and spent the night huddled up in her coat like I usually do. Oh and she drives a newer 4 door chevorlet sedan like I do! My thought was REALLY M?? Of all the people you'd take interest in it's someone who looks like me.
Why does he like her? She has a passion for film like he does, and is a film critic like he is... really? He and I have waaay more in common than I could tell they do. I could also tell she didn't seem all that interested in him as more than just someone cool to talk about film with.
So I'm still hurt but doing better...
I've viewed M as this amazing guy for all these years and now I'm seeing some things I don't like about him at all, definite deal breakers.
1. He invited her along to the movie knowing I was already hurting and that it would hurt me. Low class. Kick me when I'm down.
2. He got incredibly mad at me b/c I wasn't jumping for joy that he met someone new and liked her. He said he did take my feelings into consideration by telling me rather than letting it be a surprise. Nooo if you'd taken my feelings into consideration, you would have told me SOONER that you met someone new, and given me time to adjust to the idea before letting me meet her.
3. He was head over heels for her that night, ignoring me almost completely, even on the walk out from the theater... he stood by her side chatting away leaving me and Steve lagging behind....
So do I still love him? Nope, not really. He killed those feelings all in one night. I would NEVER do that to a guy that loved me that I didn't feel the same about... I'd break it to him gently, not wake him up, tell him I was considering his feelings by telling him, then tell him that he has to have a good time at the outing or he's not welcome.
Seriously you wake me up out of a much needed nap, hit me with reality that I've been denying, break my heart, get pissed at me for not jumping for joy at the news, and leave me to drive there myself knowing I'm way too exhausted to drive, after saying you'd give me a ride, and honestly expect me to be little miss sunshine and have a great time? Nope. I was fake polite. On the outside I was nice and polite but on the inside I was steaming.
After 4.5 years the truth of who he is came clear... He is not the one for me. I care about him as a friend, but now I see the light.... Any guy who would do that to a girl is pretty low class. So I face reality. I'm not the princess, you're not the prince. I beat myself up and cried for a week feeling bad about a relationship that I probably did end.
But you know what? I'm over it. I'm over him. I'm over us. Finally. I realize now there's things about him that I don't like, he showed some of his true colors finally after 4.5 years.
Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, and I'm glad he's my friend, but the fact he did those things to me, and I get the feeling that he sees those behaviors as acceptable, just shows me he's not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. God has better for me =)
So as much as it hurt, thanks M, for helping me do something in ONE NIGHT that I wasn't able to do on my own in 4.5 years. I say that with a smile and sincerity.
~ Kat
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Welcome to The Kat's Meow!
I'm Kat, and my blog posts will be my meow =) I've blogged for years, been on Xanga, but moved over here since most my blog friends are on here and I believe Xanga requires you to have a Xanga account to comment on people's posts, and I'd like to have public comments.
So who am I?
I am Kat. I'm a 27 year old female living in Ohio, working in Kentucky. I love to talk, so expect frequent updates. I love the color blue, the color hot pink, shoes, cats, and penguins. I also like being lazy when I can be, but believe me, I am NOT a lazy employee! =) I have a huge passion for graphic design and photography. I made my blog header myself. I simply spent about an hour editing this photo: http://s3.hubimg.com/u/4146794_f520.jpg
As you can see, it took A LOT of editing! Oh, and just gonna say this now. I will only CONSIDER making blog headers for people I actually know. I work 40 hours a week on my feet in a warehouse, so understandably in my free time I like to be lazy and hang out with friends and catch up with their lives, so please don't ask me to make you a blog header or some banner. That's not the purpose of my blog or showing off my work. =P I show off my work because I am proud of it, and want people to appreciate the work that goes into things we take for granted, like graphic design work!
That's all for now. Stay tuned for a new update tomorrow (if the mood hits me)
~ Kat
So who am I?
I am Kat. I'm a 27 year old female living in Ohio, working in Kentucky. I love to talk, so expect frequent updates. I love the color blue, the color hot pink, shoes, cats, and penguins. I also like being lazy when I can be, but believe me, I am NOT a lazy employee! =) I have a huge passion for graphic design and photography. I made my blog header myself. I simply spent about an hour editing this photo: http://s3.hubimg.com/u/4146794_f520.jpg
As you can see, it took A LOT of editing! Oh, and just gonna say this now. I will only CONSIDER making blog headers for people I actually know. I work 40 hours a week on my feet in a warehouse, so understandably in my free time I like to be lazy and hang out with friends and catch up with their lives, so please don't ask me to make you a blog header or some banner. That's not the purpose of my blog or showing off my work. =P I show off my work because I am proud of it, and want people to appreciate the work that goes into things we take for granted, like graphic design work!
That's all for now. Stay tuned for a new update tomorrow (if the mood hits me)
~ Kat
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